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July 15, 2016


In this political climate it’s hard to avoid drama on Facebook. Racial tensions. People are mad and posting their feelings to social media. Sometimes those interactions can be toxic, but sometimes what starts as a heated debate can actually turn into something beautiful.

Fights become solutions. Enemies become friends. Other sides are not just being listened to but HEARD. This will, however, not happen when I’m around, ‘cause I’m the piece of shit that will derail a conversation for no other reason than everyone at the office has stopped talking to me and Facebook is all I have.

Have you ever seen a comment that starts with “ACTUALLY”?

That’s me!

Have you ever posted something about your favorite TV show, something that fills your life with happiness, and you see this:

I guess that show is good, if you like trite American garbage and are an idiot! LOL LOL.

That’s me too!!

Have you ever said out loud: who is that piece of dog shit who instead of offering alternative solutions to protesters blocking traffic to support Black Lives Matter wrote

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SURPRISE! IT’S ME! Sure, our police force is murdering innocent people of color. And, sure, I don’t even vote! I usually just wait in line at the polls to write in something hilarious like: “My dick,“ but don’t you want someone to throw out wild straw man arguments on social media while you all are trying to get murdered?!

God I love the words straw man.

People say I do this ‘cause I’M ALWAYS SAD! But what do they know?! They aren’t my real friends. I don’t need real friends. FRIENDS ARE STUPID. I’D RATHER BE AWESOME BY MYSELF.

Anyway. I’ve done some pretty cool stuff this year…

I remember: After my girlfriend left me 'cause she said I will never love her as much as I love reddit, I created the hashtag #AllLivesMatter. I created a global phenomom that everyone loves. Who needs companionship when I can add that bad boy to my résumé?

Now anytime there is any tragedy at all involving people of color I make sure they know that

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I remember the day I coined the term “Shillary Clinton.” That’s gone pretty viral! It happened to be on the same day I ran into my ex-girlfriend Sarah and she was with her new boyfriend. He was a lot bigger than me and super nice. When I got nervous and pretended to get a text, and dropped my phone, he even picked it up. What a nice guy. I’m glad they are together.

That reminds me check this out.

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Look, if you want to live in your safe internet echo chamber: fine. But without people like me, how will you get strangers opinions on things you care about deeply? It takes a lot of hard work to do what I do.

I remember when Sarah left me, I had to move out, I couldn’t find anyone to help me move so I called my dad. He was so angry that I couldn’t do it myself and he said: “YOU want to be treated like a little baby? Fine! You can’t live here either! You can live in the treehouse out back that we built for you when you were a little baby! ‘Cause that’s what you are! A little baby!!”

I cried that whole day but also wrote a lengthy Medium post about why Hamilton is overrated. Double duty!

I’ll leave you with the first comment I ever posted, which coincidentally happened to coincide with the week my parents got a divorce. I ran outside, screamed for twenty minutes straight, then logged on to the internet and told someone that they were stupid for liking The Sopranos.

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If you can’t handle someone spitting truth like fire, then log off the internet and go to your safe space. Or you can live a happy fulfilling life like I do on the world wide web. Try it.

If you see people posting political stances on Facebook and think:

“I DON’T know what the fuck they are talking about, but I also feel like my voice needs to be heard,” just write a bunch of stuff down before even reading the article. They may block you now but they will thank you in the future!