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June 26, 2008


So I almost forgot that tomorrow is Friday and I really should say something about my week blogging here at Funny or Die. I think I probably will put up another one for the weekend, but if not, I want to thank everyone for reading. It's been a lot of fun reading your comments and getting to know you a little bit. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, though you probably didn't. I want to give a special thanks to Amy and Lauren at FoD for giving me this opportunity. I hope you don't regret it and I haven't embarrassed everyone with my gross incompetence. Just a reminder, if you miss me, you can always check me out on my blog, www.hollywoodphony.com . Thanks and have a great weekend!


You know how when a sex offender moves to a new neighborhood, he has to go around with a cop and tell all the neighbors that he banged some kids? Well, I'm no sex offender, but my shame is on par with theirs.

You see, every time I apply for a job, I have to inform my prospective employer that if they receive any tax exemptions as a charity, I am ineligible to work there. 

This is because I was involved in what some would call a scam (U.S. GOV'T V. FILIPKOWSKI, 2004 ), but what I would term a simple misunderstanding or (at worst) a blurring of the lines between fraud and really just wanting to make your dreams come true. 

All my life, it has been my deepest desire to visit the Heinz Baked Beans factory in Fremont, Ohio. 

I know, it's weird. You don't understand it and frankly, you wouldn't want to understand it, judging by most peoples' past reactions to my story. So I will save myself a little bit of humiliation.

It's not some sick thing, I just like baked beans. 


So before I realized how jaded everyone is, I was operating under the assumption that everybody would like to see a baked bean factory. Maybe they weren't filled with as much passion as me, but if you asked them, they would say, "Wow, I bet that would be really neat!" 

This was probably naive of me.

I started the "Make A Wishh Foundation" in early 2002. I was sitting around my house, on paid leave from my old job because I was so affected by watching 9/11 on TV and I thought that I needed a change. I needed to go out and actively make the world a better place.

I thought if I started something where sick kids could "make a wish" and then I could grant that wish, then that would be spreading hope and love and all that good stuff out into the world, even if just on a small scale. 

Obviously, I wasn't the only person to have this idea, hence the extra 'h' on the end of my foundation's name. Again, I'm naive.

Looking back, the big mistake was thinking that I should be the one to decide what these kids would really wish for and telling them that even though they wanted a pony or a ride on the space shuttle, I had something better for them: a trip to a baked beans factory!

I won't deny my reasons weren't entirely unselfish, but like I said, I really thought they would enjoy it too. 

So they get to see how baked beans are made, take their mind off of their cancer or whatever, have a nice trip and if I come along and get to live out my own fantasy, what's the harm?

Well, apparently cancer makes you hate baked beans because none of these kids had a good time and their parents were pretty pissed off. Not as pissed off as me when the whining of these little brats almost ruined the whole tour, but pretty pissed off, nonetheless.

I don't know how you can look at getting a free trip to a baked beans factory and think that somehow you got "ripped off". I didn't tell anyone to cancel their trip to Disney World over it. They made that decision on their own. 

Personally, I get the feeling these kids' cheapass parents were thinking they could save some dough by getting themselves a free vacation instead. WHICH THEY GOT.

You can probably tell I'm still bitter about this, but I have to move forward. If there's a lesson to be learned, it's that you should never help anyone. You should help yourself, first and foremost, because everyone is a bunch of assholes and even sick kids are gonna act like dicks some of the time.

If you can't be happy and have a good time at a baked beans factory, what's the point in living, anyway?

While I do believe that, if I had known the legal troubles saying it out loud would have caused me, I probably would have just kept it to myself.



How come I never get invited to gay hot tub parties?

I was asking my girlfriend about this the other day and she told me, "Um, probably cuz you're not gay?"

That really pissed me off! Just cuz I'm not gay I can't go to a certain kind of party?

What if I was black and couldn't go to a white people hot tub party? Would anyone share my outrage then? You bet you're ass they would (except in the South)!

She seemed to think it was no big deal and was all, "Do you even know what goes on at a hot tub party full of gay guys?"

Of course I don't! I've never been invited to one!

I assume it's gay guy stuff. I have no idea what that entails, but people are people, right? I like hot tubs and drinking beer. Maybe we'll play some lawn darts or bocce or something. I'm sure there will be some sort of delicious food.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Look, you may be thinking that this is all just a ploy to get some gay guys to invite me to their hot tub party and you are right. So please, if you are gay and having a hot tub party, why don't you just invite me? I'm not so bad!


OK, so after I wrote my blog, some gay guys did invite me to their hot tub party. I arrived with an open mind, ready to have some fun, but things quickly got out of hand. I apologize to these fellas and the gay community as a whole for saying I had to go to the bathroom and then running away, I have nothing against you and you have every right to celebrate as you see fit. I was just surprised. That's all.