Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 16, 2015

Step-by-step guide to help anyone get in tune with the universe and their body.

Every now and again, we as people need to take a step back from our phones and crazy lives to get in touch with our bodies. And what better way than being grossed out by how you’re stuck in that truly disgusting meat capsule?

Now, before we get to the steps, we need to prepare. Here are four things you absolutely need to do before discovering the overbearing weight and anxiety of being imprisoned in the flesh, bone and blood.

  • Make sure you have been inside for the last few hours.
  • Do not communicate with anyone for the entirety of those hours and through the steps.
  • Drink 6 cups of coffee (any kind).
  • Set aside at least one uninterrupted hour to complete the steps. Start with one hour. You can move up in time as your experience grows - No need to force it. Your body will naturally do this on its own.

Follow these steps carefully to adjust your vibrations to be in tune with your body and the truth.

1. Carefully inspect your toes.

Take a look at every nook and cranny, move them around, touch them, pull them apart, etc. What do you see? How does it make you feel?

2. Look in the mirror and get into a staring contest with the first body part you see. Keep playing until you win.



3. Close your eyes and place your hand anywhere on your body. Lightly manipulate the skin by making circular or figure-eight motions. Breathe deeply.


Giorgio Armani // youtube.com

4. Forget expelling waste is an option. Hold it in. Whatever you do, don’t use the bathroom at all.



5. Manipulate your skin like in step 3, but this time use both hands. Carefully inspect what you’re doing. Get close and watch what happens. Do this until skin looks or feels foreign.

6. Go back and repeat any step of your choice while thinking about how weird it is you’re trapped in here.

Popular starting topic: They’re called skin cells for a reason. You know, as in jail cell. This transitions nicely into the next step.


Netflix // betcheslovethis.com

7. You are right. Your body is strange. You know what else is strange? Everyone is made of the same exact weird stuff.

Anyone you’ve loved, hated or never even met are all made of the same gross stuff as you! Equally cool and horrible, I know. By now the thought of sex or physical intimacy (merging your skin cage with another skin cage) should make you sick to your stomach. If so, good news, you’re doing it! Good job. There are only a couple more steps to go!



8. Everything you know is correct and you should be afraid about it.

Don’t bother telling anyone because they’re brainwashed and will try to tell you you’re sick. They are more afraid than you. They are weaker than you.


Like, everywhere on the ‘net. Don’t even know who to source. Just google image search it.1

9. Remove the tin foil from your windows and look at yourself in the retina-burning bright light of the day.

Didn’t put tin foil on your windows? Oh, no. I thought it was implied. Hurry! Immediately start the process over from the beginning (including the steps before the steps). You don’t want to start feeling good now, do you?

10. Go to your close friend’s, roommate’s or family member’s work party.

Do your best to avoid touching, receiving business cards and withhold as much information about yourself as you can. They aren’t to be trusted.


NBC’s The Office