Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 15, 2012

Homage to Mitt Romney, sung to the tune of those immortal classics from the Wizard of Oz!


If Romney Only Had a Heart


I’m an empty, barren chalice

Obnoxious, cruel, and callous.

A cold and cranky fart.

How I long to be caring

To the homeless and despairing.

I just need to get a heart.


I’d be tender. I’d be gentle.

But probably still mental

To make the poor depart.

I’d befriend the Hispanics

Even though my party panics

If I only had a heart.


Oh, I would let the dog

Ride inside the car.

I could take a negro to the country club.

And maybe hang out with Bill Maher.


Just to show a small emotion,

A teaspoon in the ocean

Would surely be a start.

I could share all my money

Though my friends would find it funny.

If I only had a heart.





If Romney Only Had a Brain


I could while away the hours

Protecting corporate powers

Just like I did at Bain.

But I won’t get elected

If my funds are all detected.

How I wish I had a brain.


I could whup that damned Obama

Who claims he killed Osama

Whose healthcare I disdain.

He will not be remembered

If I beat him in November.

God I wish I had a brain.


Wish I could tell you why

My campaign’s not that sly.

I could make up crap you’ve never heard before.

And then I’d sit and whine some more.


I…would…air the greatest promos

And fire all the homos

I never would refrain.

There’ll be no one to stop us

when I’m in the oval office.

But I need to get a brain.





If Romney Only Had the Nerve


I would stand up to my party.

And show them I’m a smarty.

The White House I deserve.

I’d be strong on each issue,

But I’m flimsy as a tissue.

I just haven’t got the nerve.


I’d repeal the healthcare measure

I’d strike it down with pleasure,

With vigor and with verve.

It would show I’m no phony.

It would prove I have cojones.

But I haven’t got the nerve.


Oh I…wish I knew why

That commie Kenyan rose so high.

I’d kick his Muslim ass right out the door.

When he got up, I’d kick some more.


I’d expand the Gitmo prison,

Ignore the world’s derision

Our honor to preserve.

I’d repeal manumission

In the GOP tradition

If I only had the nerve.