July 21, 2010
Hi boo boo! My name is —–. My friends call me “Pudge”. You can call me “Mr. Lohan”. I heard you’ve been having a pretty rough year so far . It’s hard for me to stay out of trouble too. I hope this letter gets to you in time and brings a smile to your face. Your beautifully freckled face. <– That’s U
I am a huge fan. Have been since I saw you in Parent Trap. I waited until you were 18 to see it. You’re pretty awesome in it. And the best part was that there were two of you! Two Lindsay Lohans!!! Like a wet dream come true!!!!! As soon as I finished watching it for the eighteenth time, I knew you were a star. That’s why I’ve kept track of you ever since. Freaky Friday – awesome. You were way too hawt to be Jamie Lee Curtis’s daughter though. Not very realistic if you ask me. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was just as awesome… Which is pretty fucking awesome! Of course, who could forget the movie that America fell in love with? MEAN GIRLS! I HEART MEAN GIRLS x infinity. You were sooooo freaking good in that. You were really coming into your own. I’d love to come into your own. You really showed the world your breast best qualities. And this is why I am writing you this letter.
See, I miss the old Lindsay. The one who could make me laugh. The one with Hollywood’s cutest freckles. The one with the best looking firecrotch this side of the moon. Where’d she go? Alcohol clearly hasn’t helped. Neither has the “coke diet”. And definitely not the lesbianism. I’m glad you got it out of your system… Homosexuality didn’t work out for me either. You see, I totally get you. I mean, you’re a Long Island girl. I know some L.I. girls. They’re the best kind of girls. Especially the drunk ones. They’re fun. More fun when they’re not wearing orange jumpsuits… I think you need to come back home, Lindsay. California is no place for a sweet girl like you. Haven’t you seen Katy Perry’s new music video?
Come home Lindz. I won’t ever let the cops find you passed out on the highway drunk out of your mind again. Trust me, I’m a great drunk driver. You can party here all you want. I know how to work a camera. We can start our own reality show: Pudge & Lindsay : BLACKOUT. It’ll be like our very own Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I’ll even help with your eventual sex tape. I can last like 5 hours long… I swear. It’ll be amazing. I’ll be your knight in shining armor, if you let me. Just give me a chance Lindsay.
I really do hope you have a safe time in the slammer. I heard you had to eat turkey casserole and applesauce for dinner. Yuck! That sounds awful. Except the applesauce… Who doesn’t like applesauce, right? Anyways, stay strong Lindsay. I’ll be waiting for you on the other side. With a pack of smokes and a big surprise in my front pocket… Only the very best for my Lindz!
I heart U