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February 27, 2015
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An Open Letter to Mike Huckabee from a Trashy Lady of New York

Dear Governor Huckabee (I’ll spot you the title, even though you haven’t held an elected office for eight years now – not for lack of trying either.),

I don’t intend to shock you, Sir. I hear that you take offense at the “f-bomb,” especially when used by a member of my sex. For the purposes of our correspondence, I’ll happily avoid it. I’m as guilty as any New Yorker when it comes to using that word. It’s just so versatile! We employ it as a verb, a noun, an adverb, or an adjective. It can signal despair or triumph, disdain or ecstasy. Your Southern culture must have similarly useful shorthands. Hey. what about “grits?” I’ve seen you use that word to signify a breakfast side, a contempt of formal education, or some personal virtue resulting from eating said breakfast food while actively avoiding formal education.

My East Coast education may not have included “Cotillion,” but it did provide a polite vocabulary with which to beg your pardon (“Pardon” is a word you’re familiar with, right?)! While this is no excuse for scandalizing a grown man – one who seeks to lead the free world through war, famine, and pestilence and protect the United States from enemies foreign and domestic – with vocabulary, life in the big city is not all debutante balls and lace gloves. For one, there are no such things as men’s jobs and women’s jobs here. Women can be CEOs or firefighters. Men can be receptionists or models. It’s a free-for-all. Everyone, including the “ladies,” works hard, so occasionally – or constantly – we’ll express ourselves without stopping to worry about how “trashy” we sound. Again, we’re mortified to have caused offense! To put it in terms you’ll understand, we’re just trying to make it from cock-crow to whatever-sound-some-bird-on-the-farm-makes-when-it’s-nighttime (owls hooting?) without losing our jobs, gaining an ounce, or getting pushed in front of a subway train. Also, things like this happen regularly.

Unpleasant, yes. Though, from what I understand, things are hard all over. As governor of Arkansas, you presided over the highest unemployment rate the state has seen since the 1970s. That must have been frustrating. It sure is offensive! I’m sure you met that challenge without using any words you didn’t learn in Bible College. You probably quoted scripture at the Demon Poverty under your throat was raw…while unemployment got steadily worse for the entire decade your were in office. Speaking of a let-down, you also weathered that failed – and very expensive – presidential campaign in 2008.

Plus, there was the time your “heart” voted against you in 2012. Conflicts of the heart are something we New York ladies know well. Imagine sharing a tiny island with all your ex-boyfriends. Not fun.

On behalf of all my fellow – well, actually – “sister” New Yorkers, I’d like to say sorry for our liberal use of the f-word. We promise to watch our language if your 2016 presidential campaign swings through our fair city. Dumbass.

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