CLM_Bestof_14_2.jpg

I can hear you licking your filthy lips


Every year we go through the same crap, you want to know what some asshole writer thinks is the best WHATEVER of 2014 so I put a bunch of those fucking things in order and put a number by them and then ya’ll eat that shit right up. It doesn’t matter who’s putting the stuff in order, where the stuff came from, or where it’s gonna go after you’re done eye-fucking it, you just want as much of it as possible and as quickly as possible.

Well here it is, folks, the mother lode, a crap ton of best of lists that you can go wild on. All put in the most easily digestible chunks possible. I had nothing to do with any of them, I didn’t even make the dumb graphic at the top of this post, it was just what came up when I googled ‘best of 2014’ for chrissake. So don’t be shy, they’re here for you to fucking GORGE yourself on, cram ‘em all in you till you feel whole again.


Best Movies of 2014

Oh, yeah, here come a bunch of people typing out Birdman and Boyhood and whatever else in only slightly varying orders. But you love it, right? Here’s every Best Movies of 2014 list I could find you greedy fuckwads.

The New York Times (A.O. Scott)
1. Boyhood
2. Ida
3. Citizenfour
4. Leviathan
5. Selma
6. Love is Strange
7. We Are the Best!
8. Mr. Turner
9. Dear White People
10. The Babadook

Paper Mag
1. Only Lovers Left Alive
2. Mommy
3. Lessons of the Evil
4. Maps to the Stars
5. Violette
6. The Grand Budapest Hotel
7. Love is Strange
8. Cold in July
9. Boyhood
10. Witching and Bitching

A.V. Club
1. Boyhood
2. Two Days, One Night
3. Whiplash
4. Gone Girl
5. Under the Skin
6. The Grand Budapest Hotel
7. The Strange Little Cat
8. The Immigrant
9. Force Majeure
10. Goodbye to Language 3D
11. Inherent Vice
12. National Gallery
13. Mr. Turner
14. Listen Up Phillip
15. Coherence
16. God Help the Girl
17. The Missing Picture
18. Interstellar
19. Bird People
20. Winter Sleep

Chicago Sun-Times
1. Boyhood
2. Interstellar
3. Locke
4. Birdman
5. The Drop
6. Whiplash
7. A Most Wanted Man
8. Foxcatcher
9. A Most Violent Year
10. Guardians of the Galaxy

You know what, I’m spending way too much time indulging you depraved jerk-offs. Here’s Rotten Tomatoes:

And Huffington Post:

And The Telegraph:

And, I don’t know, here’s an image that Slate put together to represent their list:

Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 9.50.05 AM.png

A lot of these best-of lists put together a graphic that represents some of the movies they chose, so maybe this is enough for you?

You know what, dude? Fuck this, here’s a bunch of links to the rest. Don’t cum too hard clicking through all this bullshit:

RogerEbert.com

io9

New York Observer

Film School Rejects

DCist

Variety (Peter Debruges)

Variety (Scott Foundas)

Variety (Justin Chang)

Athens Banner Herald

Daily Mirror

The Guardian (US version)

And now I’ve reached the point where I don’t even want to put the link into the goddamned text, its just copy and past from here on out dickheads:

The Guardian (UK Version)
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/dec/12/top-10-films-of-2014-complete-uk-chart

American Association of Retired Persons (AARP)
http://www.aarp.org/entertainment/movies-for-grownups/info-2014/best-movies-2014-photo.html#slide1

Duluth News Tribune
http://www.duluthnewstribune.com/3637080-10-best-movies-2014

The Christian Science Monitor
http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Movies/2014/1217/The-10-best-movies-of-2014-Our-critic-s-picks

Arizona Central
http://www.azcentral.com/story/entertainment/movies/2014/12/16/top-10-movies-2014/20453695/

Beyond Chron
http://www.beyondchron.org/best-films-2014/

Slant Magazine
http://www.slantmagazine.com/features/article/the-25-best-films-of-2014

The New Yorker
http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/2014-year-review-ten-best-movies-denby?int-cid=mod-latest

The New Yorker (Richard Brody)
http://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/best-movies-2014

New York Times (Stephen Holden)
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/14/movies/stephen-holdens-best-movies-2014.html?_r=0

ABC Online
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-12-18/now-showing—the-best-and-worst-films-of-2014/5975132?section=entertainment

SFGate
http://blog.sfgate.com/mlasalle/2014/12/11/the-best-movies-of-2014-the-finalists/

“Are you satisfied?” — The Gladiator movie.
But seriously, let’s move the fuck on.


Best TV Shows of 2014

Finally we’re finished with the pretentious fuckers of film and into the lazy schlongstrokers of TV. Here’s a bunch of rankings for you TV dicks who are probably too ugly and dull to get laid on a Saturday night so instead you sit at home jerkin it to Sherlock or some shit.

Grantland
1. The Americans
2. You’re the Worst
3. Transparent
4. The Honourable Woman
5. The Knick
6. The Bridge
7. Game of Thrones
8. Veep
9. Banshee
10. Too Many Cooks

NPR
1. Fargo
2. True Detective
3. Transparent
4. Black-ish
5. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
6. Orange is the New Black
7. Comic Book TV: Gotham and The Flash
8. The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
9. Foo Fighters Sonic Highways
10. Doctor Who

LA Weekly
1. Transparent
2. Game of Thrones
3. Orange is the New Black
4. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
5. Mad Men
6. Inside Amy Schumer
7. Olive Kitteridge
8. Veep
9. Bob’s Burgers
10. 30 for 30: The Price of Gold

Variety (Comedies Only and in Alphabetical Order, Jesus Lord Who Cares?)
1. The Big Bang Theory
2. Black-ish
3. The Comeback
4. Louie
5. Orange is the New Black
6. Parks and Recreation
7. Silicon Valley
8. Transparent
9. Veep
10. You’re the Worst

This is boring for me (you guys are probably hard as rocks and wet as rivers over this dumb shit) and my hands hurt so I’ll just read a few instead of typing them out.

Wall Street Journal:

Huffington Post:

New York Times (Mike Hale):

Almonds are fucking good and good as fuck for you. Here are some more dumb TV lists with links for you idiots.

Miami New Times
http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2014-12-18/film/the-ten-best-tv-shows-of-2014/

Cinema Blend
http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Top-10-TV-Shows-2014-According-Nick-68941.html

Star Pulse
http://www.starpulse.com/news/Brittany_S_Frederick/2014/12/17/best-tv-shows-of-2014

Digital Spy
http://www.digitalspy.com/british-tv/feature/a615719/digital-spys-best-tv-shows-of-the-year-2014-15-11.html#~oYM8Uulev69Xqs

Digital Spy
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/tv/feature/a615569/digital-spys-best-tv-shows-of-the-year-2014-20-16.html#~oYMamSE6VVcIuK

TV.com
http://www.tv.com/news/best-tv-dramas-of-2014-141816459779/

The Guardian
http://www.theguardian.com/culture/tvandradioblog/2014/dec/08/the-best-tv-shows-of-2014-sherlock-veep-doctor-who-house-of-cards

Collider
http://collider.com/best-new-tv-series-2014/

The Daily Beast
http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/2014/12/12/14-best-tv-shows-of-2014-good-wife-transparent-more.html

Slant Magazine
http://www.slantmagazine.com/features/article/the-25-best-tv-shows-of-2014

The State Press
http://www.statepress.com/2014/12/01/10-best-new-tv-shows-of-2014/

Time
http://time.com/3592117/best-tv-shows-of-2014-poniewozik/

E! Online
http://www.eonline.com/news/607386/best-of-2014-tv-s-most-shocking-moments-death-strippers-sexts-revivals-and-more

Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/05/top-10-shows-of-2014_n_6271604.html

Madison.com
http://host.madison.com/entertainment/television/slideshow-top-tv-shows-of/collection_413927aa-8552-11e4-becb-6fd805db0558.html

Washington Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/tv/the-best-tv-of-2014-americans-fargo-game-of-thrones-walking-dead-and-more/2014/11/25/d26c07fe-66c3-11e4-9fdc-d43b053ecb4d_story.html

Denver Post
http://www.denverpost.com/television/ci_27062084/ostrows-list-top-10-tv-shows-2014

Chicago Tribune
http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/sns-rt-variety-entertainmemt1vrt1201376437-20141215-story.html

TV.com
http://www.tv.com/news/best-of-2014-new-network-shows-141779835045/

IMDB (via JustJared.com (?))
http://www.justjared.com/2014/12/14/imdb-reveals-top-10-tv-shows-of-2014-list-exclusive/

San Jose Mercury
http://www.mercurynews.com/entertainment/ci_27119325/best-tv-2014-game-thrones-fargo-true-detective


Best Songs of 2014

Alright, finally we get to something that’s not lame as shit and you buttholes are gonna lap it up, I’m sure. As if the dumb dicks who are willing to read these lists can even recognize a gnarly rok and roll lick or bomb-ass R&B beat, here are the lists anyway.

Pitchfork
1. “Seasons (Waiting on You)” - Future Islands
2. “Club Goin Up on a Tuesday” - iLoveMakonnen
3. “Two Weeks” - FKA Twigs
4. “Can’t Do Without You” - Caribou
5. “Red Eyes” - The War on Drugs
6. “Close Your Eyes (And Count to Fuck)” - Run the Jewels
7. “***Flawless” - Beyonce
8. “Queen” - Perfume Genius
9. “Move That Dope” - Future
10. “Love Never Felt So Good (Original Version)” - Michael Jackson

New York Times
1. “Flawless Remix” - Beyonce and Nicki Minaj
2. “Your Love is Killing Me” - Sharon Van Etten
3. “No Flex Zone” - Rae Sremmurd
4. “Digital Witness” - St. Vincent
5. “Bottoms Up” - Brantley Gilbert
6. “Pretty When You Cry” - Lana Del Rey
7. “Two Weeks” - FKA Twigs
8. “Not in That Way” - Sam Smith
9. “Don’t Tell ‘em” - Jeremih, YG
10. “0 to 100/The Catch Up” - Drake

USA Today

1. “Seasons (Waiting on You)” - Future Islands
2. “Soliloquy” - Isaiah Rashad
3. “Kanye” - The Chainsmokers
4. “War on Drugs” - Red Eyes
5. “Shake it Off” - Taylor Swift
6. “Two Weeks” - FKA Twigs
7. “Saturday’s Song” - Hiss Golden Messenger
8. “Jackson” - Cymbals Eat Guitars
9. “I’m Not the Only One” - Sam Smith
10. “Fancy” - Iggy Azalea

I’m starting to realize that the jerks making these lists are losers and don’t know good ROCK AND ROLL from a hole in their dangus. I’ll give you a few more but inject a little life into them by adding some actually good music.

Huffington Post
1. “Close Your Eyes (And Count To Fuck)” - Run The Jewels
2. “Two Weeks” - FKA Twigs
3. “Tuesday” - ILoveMakonnen Ft. Drake
4. “0 to 100/The Catch Up” - Drake
5. “17 New Years” - Polyenso

6. “Turn Down For What” - DJ Snake and Lil Jon
7. “Never Catch Me” - Flying Lotus ft. Kendrick Lamar
8. “Can’t Do Without You” - Caribou
9. “Chandelier” - Sia
10. “i” - Kendrick Lamar

NPR
1. “Birth in Reverse” - St. Vincent
2. “Nara” - Alt-J
3. “Blue Moon” - Beck
4. “Lights On” - FKA Twigs

5. “High Ball Stepper” - Jack White
6. “Weight of Love” - The Black Keys
7. “Rent I Pay” - Spoon

8. “Under Pressure” - The War on Drugs
9. “Could I Be” - Sylvan Esso
10. “Shades of Cool” - Lana Del Rey

Stereogum

You know what, if you want a “Best of Music” list, just go here. I mean, are you new?

Here’s the rest you ravenous bastards.

The Arizona Republic
http://www.azcentral.com/story/entertainment/music/2014/12/16/best-songs-st-vincent-flying-lotus-spoon/20318669/

Mic.com
http://mic.com/articles/106548/listen-to-the-20-greatest-songs-of-2014-according-to-every-major-best-of-list

KQED
http://ww2.kqed.org/arts/2014/12/17/fourteen-for-2014-the-best-songs-from-the-bay/

The Good Men Project
http://goodmenproject.com/arts/songs-from-2014-that-changed-my-life-brpe/

Colorado Daily
http://www.coloradodaily.com/music-news/ci_27143173/best-songs-2014

New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/14/arts/music/ben-ratliffs-album-picks-for-2014.html

Technology Tell
http://www.technologytell.com/entertainment/55323/10-best-songs-2014/

Cosmopolitan
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/music/a33582/best-songs-of-2014/

Crave Online
http://www.craveonline.com/music/articles/800603-20-best-songs-of-2014-the-year-in-music-mixtape

New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/14/arts/music/jon-pareless-favorite-albums-of-2014.html?gwh=9ABD404C21E81A33E845BF9D1C23152E&gwt=pay

Oregon Live
http://www.oregonlive.com/music/index.ssf/2014/12/the_30_best_songs_of_2014.html

Billboard
http://www.billboard.com/charts/year-end/2014/hot-100-songs

American Songwriter
http://www.americansongwriter.com/2014/12/american-songwriters-top-50-songs-2014/

SF Station
http://www.sfstation.com/2014/12/02/best-of-2014-dj-d-sharps-best-songs-of-2014/

FUSE
http://www.fuse.tv/2014/12/best-of-2014-songs


Best Books of 2014

Fucking nerds, man. NERDS! You know what, I can’t even start with this. Here:

Vulture
1. Lila, by Marilynne Robinson
2. Family Life, by Akhil Sharma
3. Redeployment, by Phil Klay
4. The Sixth Extinction: An Unnatural History, by Elizabeth Kolbert
5. Euphoria, by Lily King
6. Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant?, by Roz Chast
7. Sidewalks, by Valeria Luiselli
8. Citizen: An American Lyric, by Claudia Rankine
9. On Immunity: An Inoculation, by Eula Biss
10. A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing, by ­Eimear McBride

New York Times
1. P
2. A
3. Y
4. W
5. A
6. L
7. L
8.
9. B.
10. S.

Amazon
1. Everything I Never Told You: A Novel by Celeste Ng
2. All the Light We Cannot See: A Novel by Anthony Doerr
3. In the Kingdom of Ice: The Grand and Terrible Polar Voyage of the USS Jeannette by Hampton Sides
4. The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace: A Brilliant Young Man Who Left Newark for the Ivy League by Jeff Hobbs
5. Redeployment by Phil Klay
6. Revival: A Novel by Stephen King
7. Savage Harvest: A Tale of Cannibals, Colonialism, and Michael Rockefeller’s Tragic Quest for Primitive Art by Carl Hoffman
8. The Book of Unknown Americans: A novel by Cristina Henríquez
9. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
10. Station Eleven: A novel by Emily St. John Mandel

I’m spent. It’s over. You all are disgusting and I can’t do any more.

Here’s the rest:

Good Reads

Publishers Weekly

Amazon

Washington Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/books/the-10-best-books-of-2014/2014/11/20/40784e0a-3dc6-11e4-b03f-de718edeb92f_story.html

NPR
http://www.npr.org/2014/12/15/370338890/sometimes-you-cant-pick-just-10-maureen-corrigans-favorite-books-of-2014

Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/best-books-2014/

Seattle Times
http://seattletimes.com/html/books/2025210096_bestbooks2014xml.html

Kirkus
https://www.kirkusreviews.com/issue/best-of-2014/section/fiction/

Slate
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2014/11/best_books_2014_slate_staff_recommendations.html

Wall Street Journal Blog
http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2014/12/16/the-best-books-of-2014-according-to-wsj-readers/

Real Simple
http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/entertainment/best-books-2014

The Art of Manliness
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/12/17/the-best-books-read-by-the-aom-team-in-2014/

School Library Journal
http://www.slj.com/best-books-2014/

The Telegraph
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/bookreviews/10846223/Best-novels-and-fiction-books-of-2014.html

Hudson Booksellers
http://www.hudsonbooksellers.com/best-of-2014

Library Journal
http://reviews.libraryjournal.com/2014/10/best-of/library-journals-best-books-of-2014/

Book Page
http://bookpage.com/content/bestof2014

Bank Street College
http://bankstreet.edu/center-childrens-literature/childrens-book-committee/best-books-year/best-books-year-2014/

The Globe and Mail
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/books-and-media/book-reviews/top-100-books-of-2014/article21695859/

A.V. Club
http://www.avclub.com/article/our-favorite-books-year-212744

Bill Gates
http://www.gatesnotes.com/About-Bill-Gates/Best-Books-2014

Kansas City Star
http://www.kansascity.com/entertainment/books/article4431734.html

Gawker
http://review.gawker.com/the-best-things-we-read-in-2014-1670504393


I hope you enjoyed this you sick fucks.

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