THE MANLY MAN’S GUIDE TO EXTREME COUPONING LIKE A MAN
So your wife and kids are out of town for the weekend or a nuclear holocaust just happened or you’re jonesing mad hard for some microwaveable pizza snacks or all of the above! In any case, for some really dumb reason you have to go shopping all by yourself!
Lame, right? Well, maybe not! There’s a fun way to go shopping while still undercutting the system and giving the middle finger to “the man”!
It’s called “COUPONING”. Believe it or not, if you read magazines, there are pieces of paper in there you can rip out that force people to give you stuff for less money. Sometimes, you even get them in the mail! And if you go to a store once, there is even a chance they’ll give you ANOTHER coupon, meaning they want your freaking awesome repeat business. Keep it on the DL, we don’t want EVERYONE to know, stores would go hella outta business.
There’s even a show on TV called “EXTREME COUPONING”. Don’t know what it’s about, but I can only assume it’s about clipping coupons while driving motorcycles over pits of hot lava. EXTREME!
“Couponing” was invented in Ancient Rome (that’s in Italy) by the Ancient Romans in Ancient Roman times. One day a guy was sick of buying stuff that cost so much, so he tore a piece of rock off of a slightly bigger rock and beat the merchant to death with it until he gave him a fairer price for the figs he wanted to buy. Thus “couponing” was born. Thus!
So you open up a magazine and find a coupon for 50 cents off some deep-fried corndogs or whatever you wanna buy! Rip it out, one-handed. The dotted lines are merely a suggestion. You’ll probably notice a date written in very small letters at the bottom of the coupon. Or if you’re REALLY cool, you won’t notice this at all. Again, merely a suggestion. Papers don’t expire. Just like milk doesn’t expire, you know that first hand, duh! And best of all, the reduced price is also merely a suggestion. If you know how to haggle.
Sunglasses are a key shopping accessory (The chick word for “thing”). Wear sunglasses on your face, on your forehead, prop them on the brim of your baseball cap. Just be sure everyone in the store knows you own sunglasses, IT’S KEY. Shave, but do it a day and a half in advance. Allow SOME hair to grow back in, ideally a bunch of black flecks (yet not yet hairs!) should adorn either cheek. You want the kind of face that says, “Yeah, I got a razor, but it’s not charged right now."
BUT WAIT, ISN’T COUPONING GAY?
NO! If anybody says couponing is gay, tell them THEY’RE gay. Plus, most stores that allow coupon use also have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
LEXICON (THE CHICK WORD FOR “WORDS”)
So, you’ve got coupon in hand, you’re at the store, what sort of lingo do you drop while couponing? A good stand-by pun that you can use is to say to people, “Gonna get my “Coup” on!” As if “coup” is a verb and you are going to get it on. Get it? “GONNA GET MY “COUP” ON!” Now you try.
BONUS ROUND, ARE YOU COOL ENOUGH? There is a type of mustard called “Grey Poupon”. If you can find it, buy some, regardless of how much it costs (you have a coupon, remember? It’ll cover it), then tell store employees, “Gonna buy some Poupon with my coupon”!
Repeat loudly, and often. If nobody who works at the store laughs at your jokes, don’t worry. They probably don’t speak English.
THINGS YOU CAN BUY AT STORES THAT ARE SURPRISINGLY NOT LAME
AXE Body spray, toothpicks, chocolate, Twizzlers, issues of MAXIM, flame decals for your guitar, Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, sports flags, discounted Dwayne Johnson movies, “Con Air” starring Nicolas Cage, pizzas (mini),already inflated soccer balls, non-prescription sunglasses, pizzas (regular sized), Count Chocula.
DON’T BUY THIS AT A STORE UNLESS YOU ARE INCREDIBLY LAME
Vitamin Water. (Just get some tampons while you’re at it, why don’t you?)
WHAT’S A GROUPON?
Glad you asked bro! Groupon-ing is when you use a coupon to buy items for an orgy or orgy-related activity. KY Jelly, handcuffs, mayonnaise, all that good stuff. Mad props bro!
THE CHECK-OUT LINE
This is a double-entendre. As you “check out” items to be purchased at a cut below the regular rate, take a few seconds here and there between reading magazines you have no intention of buying to ogle some single moms. Don’t be surprised if you get an ogle back, I mean, you’re a handsome man, bro!
It IS okay to drink/consume/use/decal items before you’ve paid for them, trust, bro. In the event there aren’t any hotties to ogle in line, just a couple of weirdly shaped old people, it will be quite the boring event, I recommend you chug two or three of those Red Bulls you’re carrying.
HOLD UP!! CONFLICT!!
Unfortunately there is a chance that while you’re buying your discounted microwaveable food, the dumb idiot who is bagging your bags might say some dumb idiot thing that dumb idiots say like:
a) “I’m sorry sir, this coupon has expired.”
b) “Well yes, this coupon does entitle you to 50 cents off the box of corndogs, however, it does not extend to covering the full price of the X-Box.”
ANSWER TO BOTH a) and b): “The customer is always right”. Long ago, some genius engraved this saying on a coffee mug, and it’s your job to uphold the word as if it is law. Well, it is law, but you know what I mean. Repeat it like it’s courtroom evidence. If, for some reason, “The customer is always right” somehow fails you the first five times you say it, tell that dumb idiot bagger “That’s not what it said online!” Don’t tell them where online, too much information can be dangerous.
The key really is, you gotta WANT it. You gotta WANT those discounted frozen corn dogs and free X-Box. You can’t be afraid of screaming at people at the top of your lungs, making threats about how badly you’ve been treated and how you deserve all this stuff for free, or getting arrested for public disturbance.
WORST CASE SCENARIO
You were arrested for public disturbance and / or beating up a bag boy. Whatevs, man, at least you get FREE food in prison, and there’s a weight room where you can lift weights, which is what you were planning on doing this Saturday anyway! Plus, if you’re bored, that “Get Out Of Jail Free” Card you carry might still be valid!