Meatheads are a different type of human being. Meatheads are typically found at the gym, or anywhere they can take their shirt off. They usually travel in “meathead packs” with the biggest one being the alpha meathead. The alpha meathead is in charge of everything and is usually a fitness trainer, or spends more than 7 hours a day at the gym. He schedules group lifts, what protein shakes to drink, where to get their haircuts, and what bar to “find pussy” at. You can usually pick out the alpha meatheads very easily at a bar. He will be the one with the crazy design cut into his freshly groomed hair, he will wear multiple necklaces with religious medallions on them even though he hasn’t been to church in over 7 years, and he will typically be wearing multiple things on his wrist that have no purpose such as the leather wrist strap. The alpha meathead can usually be spotted by which direction his hair is gelled. Alpha meatheads gel their hair straight up. The meatheads that are ranked below the alpha are the “soldier” meatheads. They are usually distinguished by spiking their hair to the left. They can also be distinguished by the shirts they wear. Once you become a meathead you must work your way up the meathead hierarchy. The first step to meathead initiation is you must shave all hair off your body from the chin down. This process usually involves help from one to two other meatheads for those hard to reach areas. You also must get rid of everything in your closet that is not designer. This process is usually the toughest part of becoming a meathead because of the emotional attachment to normal people clothes, but it is worth it in the long run. The ultimate goal in becoming a meathead is to be wearing a medium sized Tapout shirt that barely keeps your circulation running. Once the alpha meathead has given you a Tapout shirt as a gift, you are an official meathead and can only drink Michelob Ultras at the bar.
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