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January 04, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Oregon may begin taxing cars that get over 55 mpg to offset losing taxes on gasoline. "This makes sense," said someone watching a cat give birth to a kitten.

It's been discovered that the United States was developing a "tsunami bomb" during World War II. The project was scrapped however when they realized it wouldn't turn children to ash fast enough.

John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the House on Thursday with 220 votes. Because if Republicans can agree on anything, it's that John Boehner makes their ineffectiveness look not so ineffective.

In the same vote, Democratic Rep. Jim Cooper selected Colin Powell to be speaker of the House. To be fair, back when they passed the Affordable Care Act, he also voted for Colin Powell.

The FTC ruled that even though Google's search results intentionally favor its own products, it doesn't violate any statutes. So for now, whenever you Google "iPhone," you're going to have to put up with pictures of sad Chinese people.

The Senate Intelligence Committee is investigating whether the CIA gave too much information to the filmmakers of "Zero Dark Thirty." One way you can tell they didn't: the filmmakers didn't invade Iraq on accident.

A new study says the Milky Way galaxy contains at least 100 billion alien planets. Raising the question, is it possible there really isn't "Just One Fox"?

In Idaho, five inmates are suing beer and liquor companies for $1 billion because they say alcohol led to their poor decisions. And they might have a case according to their lawyers, a case of Milwaukee's Best and a bottle of Captain Morgan's.

Al-Jazeera purchased Al Gore's cable network Current TV. Said Gore, "They had me the moment they made a joke about us having the same first name."

Supposedly Glenn Beck also tried to purchase the network. Beck was confused that Al-Jazeera beat him out, since they're obviously not Jews.

A Utah Highway Patrol officer is being accused of falsely arresting dozens of people for DUIs. When she pulled people over, she'd ask, "How many drinks have you had? ... No, in your entire life."

HBO is being sued for covering up incidents in which horses died during television shoots. In related news, "Sex and the City" will not be returning for another season.

"Twilight" actor Bronson Pelletier was caught on tape peeing in a lounge at Los Angeles International Airport. A tape that is sure to give "The Hobbit" some competition this weekend at the box office.