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January 07, 2015
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Even if you're only reading this description, just turn yourself in, okay?

This week, Timothy DeFoggi, former cybersecurity chief for the Department of Health and Human Services, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for downloading child pornography and being part of an anonymous computer network of online predators. And despite the fact that this is a perfectly legitimate news item, if you are currently reading this article, please turn yourself in to the authorities immediately.

I’m serious. Do not read another sentence. I don’t know how or why you stumbled upon this story concerning child pornography and frankly, I don’t care, but you need to go to the police this very instant and remand yourself to their custody. If you’re innocent, it will come out in the wash; if you’re guilty of anything even remotely related to trafficking in child pornography, then rest assured that you’re doing the right thing for yourself and for society.

Please. You could well be a very sick individual.

If you’ve reached this paragraph, now you’re really raising some serious red flags. Why are you nearly halfway through this story? About child pornography? What could you possibly be looking for here? If it’s more evidence that you might be a unconscionable monster intent on exploiting the trusting nature of children for your own disgusting sexual gratification, guess what—you just may have found it.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow—unless you’re reading this paragraph in an interrogation room at this very moment, I really can’t even fathom why you’d test the depths of your own potential depravity, particularly when the safety and well-being of children are at stake.

I can only assume whatever electronic paper trail led you to this article can be traced by authorities. With that in mind—and I don’t think I would even have to say this to someone with enough of a conscience not to have read as far as this very sentence—you should still be ready to present investigators with the passwords to all of your online accounts. As far as taking down a potential creep such as yourself goes, time is of the essence.

And I’m not absolving myself from this, okay? As soon as I’m done writing this, I’m marching myself right down to the nearest precinct and turning myself in. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but I can’t be sure because I’ve already seen as much as you have. I’m not going to risk letting myself go free and potentially hurting kids. So please, let’s both just do the right thing. Walk up to the next cop you see, offer up your outstretched hands to be cuffed, and tell him about the article you were just reading.

Go on, now. Please, put it all in the hands of the justice system, and trust it will turn out for the best.

You know, if you’ve made it this far in the story, the authorities are going to know pretty quickly how long you lingered on this webpage. In fact, at this point, maybe don’t bother turning yourself in. I’m sure a SWAT team is on its way to pick you up right now.

When they get there and ask you how much of this article you read, at least try to redeem yourself somewhat—be completely honest and tell them you read it all the way to “at least try to redeem yourself somewhat—be completely honest and tell them that you read it all the way to ‘at least try to redeem yourself somewhat—be completely honest and tell them that you read it all the way to….’”

Edited for length, but you shouldn’t know that, you pervert.

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