You’ll want to keep these tweets handy in the likely event you’re attacked by teens.
i forget, are you supposed to play dead or bang pots and pans together when you see a teen?— Avery Monsen (@averymonsen) May 13, 2016
Dear teens who make fun of my cargo shorts: don't come crying to me when you need a place to store your cargo.— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) July 24, 2016
I'm always the first one to yell at teens for sexting. How do they expect to get good at fucking if they're on their goddamn phones all day?— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) February 19, 2016
Walking the dogs in the woods, I came upon many teens in hammocks. So the go-to hip look with youth is now "Fifties TV/Comic Strip Dad."— John Moe (@johnmoe) July 11, 2016
My family's dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) September 4, 2016
WHAT UP TEENS, IT'S YOUR COOL FRIEND INSTAGRAM! LET'S TALK ABOUT COACHELLA! FAM IS LIT, BAE! pic.twitter.com/d7ur4ofZvD— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) May 11, 2016
HOT TEENS in YOUR AREA are UNENCUMBERED BY FAILURE and BETTER PREPARED for the CAREERS YOU CRAVE— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) June 29, 2016
A teen at the gym was rude to me but I took out my keys as I left like "yeah look how many things I can unlock" and I bet he was intimidated— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 24, 2016
I think it's sweet that teens text "U up?" really late at night to check that their friends are getting to bed at a reasonable hour— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) January 23, 2016
Once I saw a muscular teen camp counsellor throwing kids around in a pool mistakenly grab a little old man and toss him too.— Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 16, 2016
teens are conflicted about Ayn Rand because on the one hand they love shrugging but on the other like what’s an atlas— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) June 2, 2016
Lol I'm 80
Jet fuel can't melt teen spirit— donni saphire (@donni) July 23, 2016
Teens: in some states if you call a celebrity "mom" or "dad" online, they immediately become your legal guardian.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 31, 2016
I think the next time I come across a group of mean teens in public I'm just going to ask them to kill me and get it over with— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 29, 2016
TEEN POLICE OFFICER AT GRISLY CRIME SCENE: lmao who did this fam— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 19, 2016
Upbeat teen Guy Fieri moves to a small town where flavor is banned and, against the wishes of a local reverend, whips up some donkey sauce.— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 19, 2016
"wait no go back. put a hashtag on suspenders. i want the teens to be able to talk about suspenders" pic.twitter.com/5nJPkuqNgu— jon hendren (@fart) May 18, 2016
Taught some local teens about scarf dancing in the Hollister. They played cool but I could tell they're going to try some of my moves later.— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) June 25, 2016
"Hello fellow teens. You guys want to do weed and talk about tea lizard?" pic.twitter.com/Es4FxnulA5— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) June 21, 2016
In the 90's teens all wanted a cellphone. Fast forward 20 years and the teens are killing each other to be noticed by the Lobster king— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 6, 2016
Advice to teens: As you get older, music sounds less good because your numb soul can't identify w/ it. Not really advice. Just what happens.— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) March 6, 2016
*mom knocks on door really hard*— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) August 12, 2016
mom: r u curating ur brand again
teen: uhhhh no
mom: u better not be making content in there
Teen borrows dad's car and gets in an accident:— vineyille (@vineyille) July 18, 2016
1953: "Aw gee whiz"
1999: "Now THIS is podracing"
2016: "I find this narrative problematic"
If a teen pulled that "what are those" crap with my shoes I'd answer proudly "they're new balances. They're comfortable & I love them"— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) May 25, 2016
new teen slang— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) August 2, 2016
BTB - bring the beef
ISAW - im selling a wolf
WJ - wheres jeff?
DGUTLAMSOP - damn girl u thicc like a mf stack of pancakes
Trader Joe's has a strict ID policy to catch those devious teen couples buying $130 of groceries and two bottles of wine— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) August 2, 2016
Read a report on how teens are asking each other to prom using flash mobs and now I agree with the pastor in Footloose.— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) April 19, 2016
Fact: Donald Trump was "friend-zoned" once as a teen and has been angry at all women ever since.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 27, 2016