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June 18, 2013

Why are our troubles so subjective???????????? ?? . ?

Here’s the deal: the key to confidence is being in control of one’s facial muscles. If I’m nervous, coming into an interview with a calm smile and steady eyes shows my aptitude for handling pressure, and pointing this out will not only demonstrate my intelligence through the use of “aptitude,” “and” and “intelligence,” it will also spare them the trouble of continuing the interview. The direct alternative, of course, is The Spasm. The one time I initiated The Spasm was a conscious and desperate effort for a selective choir Solo. While singing “Amazing Grace” the right side of this wretch’s face started actively yearning toward the ceiling. Without stopping or crying, I turned my left cheek to the horrified judges and imaginatively smiled. I probably almost got that Solo.

In the end, this is the internet. You don’t know if I’m smiling seductively at the screen or eating a Sloppy Joe in the wonderful style of all free souls…? I could be having a nose seizure or making out with a hot Italian sub or both at the same time. Or I could be an illiterate three-year-old who will someday be on 60 Minutes for accomplishing the writing of th4is aArptikkl whilst luxuriously filling my diaper. Maybe.