Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 11, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

President Obama says he was hesitant to take a stand on gay marriage because he didn’t want to “nationalize the issue.” A fair excuse since gays only live in Miami.

Following Obama's gay marriage announcement, his campaign raised $1 million just 90 minutes later. "Yeah, I guess that's a 'lot of money,'" said director of "The Avengers" Joss Whedon.

In related news, New Zealand Prime Minister John Key announced he's "not personally opposed to gay marriage." Causing Frodo to give Sam a look full of excited joy.

In Scotland, Prince Charles surprised TV viewers when he read the afternoon weather report. Reading. What WILL the royal family do next?

Horror film "The Cabin in the Woods" will be shown in theaters in Australia after fans launched a petition to stop it from going straight to DVD. Pretty amazing since the only other time that happened was with "Crocodile Dundee V: Throw Another Animal Hunting Pimp on the Barbie."

The Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney bullied a gay student while he was in prep school. In all fairness, we've all done stupid things to impress our nine fiancées.

At one point, Romney supposedly led a group to hold the boy down and cut his hair. An act so cruel you wouldn't even do it to the dog that you strap to the roof of your car.

About the events, Mitt Romney said, “I participated in a lot of hijinks...and some might have gone too far, and for that, I apologize." Adding, "And it's not like anyone has ever been hijinked to death."

Danny DeVito says he once almost drowned at a pool party because he was laughing at Robin Williams so much. Also he's part Bocce ball.

Some Democrats are pushing to have the party's 2012 convention moved out of North Carolina in response to the state's gay marriage amendment. To be clear, not the gay marriage ban that already existed, the one that's worse and also affects straight people.

"Hellboy" director Guillermo Del Toro is getting ready to direct a retelling of the Pinocchio story. Del Toro says it will be done in the spirit of the original story, which is a nice way of saying it will be terrifying.