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July 05, 2008


What's up playa haters?!


So here goes my first blog ever , as requested. (I guess that means I’m losing my bloginity , huh?) I’m writing this because apparently I’m a people-pleaser, and I cave under peer pressure like a child’s plastic rocking chair under Jared S. Fogle, pre-Subway diet. But enough about me…wait… I think this whole thing is supposed to be about me. Never mind.


So why don’t I start where it all began. I mean, Julie Andrews once said the very beginning is a very good place to start. So I was just minding my own business, watching ET, (Entertainment Tonight, not the cute alien flick) when it happened. The Landlord viral video, starring none other than Will Ferrell, was being featured on the show to promote this new website, FunnyOrDie.com. I curse that day and my own stupidity for checking out the website. Damn my acute curious nature and unhealthy attraction to Will Ferrell!!! If I would have known that day what I was getting myself into, I would have severed all my fingers with a spork from Taco Bell so I would be unable to type in that godawful URL!!


Since I joined about 1 year ago, FOD has slowly but surely taken over my life. If I’m not on the site itself, I’m thinking about when the next possible chance I can get on it is. I wake, sleep, breathe, eat, drink, sweat, masturbate, etc. to FOD. It’s gotten to the point where the videos don’t remind me of things in real life, but real life reminds me of things I’ve seen in videos. Yeah. Scary. I have a serious and sick problem, and I am aware of it.


There were some stages I went through before I reached this point of acceptance. The first was denial. “I’m fine,” I would say to myself. “I’m not doing anything wrong,” was another favorite argument. “Laughter is the best medicine, so what I’m doing is actually a good thing!” my conniving inner self would convince me.  


The next stage was shame. I was ashamed to let anyone find out about my dark secret. I didn’t want anyone to see me for the monster I had become. When friends and classmates would tell me about “this funny online video they highly recommended” I would feign ignorance. “Oh, that sounds really good, I’ll have to watch that sometime,” I would announce. Deep down inside, I was praying my lies sounded sincere, as I had already seen said video an inhuman amount of times. People would also tell me I “had more color to my face, had I been tanning??” I would reply, “Oh yeah, I had a free session for this place and decided to use it before it expired,” when in reality my ‘tan’ was from the radiation emissions of my laptop screen.


The third stage was attempted quitting. I swore to myself things such as “this is my last FOD session ever,” and “I’m going to have FOD blocked from my computer and life!” Nothing worked. I considered pouring gasoline on my computer and burning it, but I just couldn’t bear to lose my amazingly high score in Pinball to the flames.


So here I am today, fully conscious of the fact that I am an addict. My family tries to be supportive of me in my rehabilitation process, but sometimes they’ll make insensitive comments such as “you obviously have waaaaay too much time on your hands.” My roommate says that she thinks I’m getting slightly better, because at least I’m not “ignoring her calls like I used to just to finish a stupid video.” My co-workers laugh ‘with me instead of at me’ now when I absentmindedly start pelvic grinding and singing “Show me your genitals” while I’m working.


Sometimes I’ll catch myself imagining how much easier life would be if I could just live in FODworld. I think to myself, “It’d be great! If I’m hungry I can just eat the ‘Unbelievable Dinner,’ if I need a car I can just ‘get out my fucking checkbook,’ if I get lonely I could just pursue a long-term relationship with ‘Onscreen Chemistry!’ Life would be awesome!” But then I slap myself hard, twice across the face and once across the boobs, and tell myself to “suck it up and face reality!” Nah but really, my life is okay out in the real world, I have no major complaints.


But I will still always have that special place in my life for FOD. It’s a love/hate relationship, but hey, that’s how it usually goes.


Until next time, fellow FODers! Remember, we’re all in this together because we share this common bond. You stay sexy now!