Herman Cain may be out of the race for president, but that doesn’t mean he’s run out of solutions for the problems average Americans face every day. As he announced the suspension of his presidential campaign, Mr. Cain pledged to “continue to be a voice for the people.” To that end, he launched a new website that will serve as a platform for his ideas for the duration of the 2012 election.
As you can see, TheCainSolutions.com is not yet up-and-running, but we were lucky enough to get a sneak peek at some of its content. The following comes from what will be a regular column wherein Mr. Cain answers carefully screened questions posed by indviduals handpicked from a pool of his loyal supporters. The column is called "Ask Herman" and I think you will find his take is, as always, "Hermanesque."
Without further delay, I present...
(Remember, these are real questions and even REALER answers.)
“Do you support allowing young people to opt out of Social Security?”
- Julie Borowski, Damascus, MD
Herman Cain knows the only way you’re going to get a young woman to notice you is by being confident. Herman Cain’s not talking about having the courage to ask your secretary out on date. Herman Cain’s talking about having the balls to grab her titties in the middle of a meeting and say, “Mmmmm, how ‘bout you let them bad boys opt out their cage and let ol’ Herm-Dog get a taste?” That’s what Herman Cain’s talking about. But, to answer your question: 9-9-9.
“What comprehensive solution are you willing to take with immigration?”
- Luis Serrano, Van Nuys, Calif.
Hoo, boy. Herman Cain knows a thing or two about ‘making a run for the border,’ if you catch my drift? Herman Cain’s favorite thing about being CEO of Godfather’s Pizza wasn’t the unlimited supply of streusel pizza, it was the fact that I got to choose where we held our annual investor conference. Every year, Herman Cain made sure we held that shit in Tee-You-motherfucking-Wana. Herman Cain ran Godfather’s Pizza for ten years and the only Spanish I learned was: Hey tetas de azúcar, que deseas conocer poco Herman? Because that’s all the Spanish Herman Cain needed to know, if you know what I’m saying? But, to answer your question: 9-9-9.
“How will you bring manufacturing back to the U.S. and support more technology education programs in our middle and high schools?”
- James Boehme of Ridgefield, Conn.
As it just so happens, one of Herman Cain’s first forays into “telling it like it is” was in middle school. Little Herman Cain’s geography teacher, Miss Leonard, was putting out the vibe that she wanted to indulge in some, how should I put this, “extra-curricular activities”; it was obvious, the way she always asked me to raise my hand before I spoke. Anyway, Little Herman Cain knew the score, so I got myself sent to detention on a day I knew Miss Leonard would be in charge. When all of the other dopes weren’t looking, Little Herman Cain sauntered up to Miss Leonard and said, “Damn girl, Little Herman Cain been noticing you noticing Little Herman Cain. What do you say you and I head over to the janitor’s closet and I’ll let you hop aboard the Little Cain Train to Pleasuretown?” And you know what she did? She had Little Herman Cain expelled. So I wrote a letter to the superintendent explaining how that "woman" was just a shill for the media and the ‘democrat’ political machine that are afraid of Little Herman Cain’s potential. Speaking truth to power. That’s what Herman Cain’s about. But, to answer your question: 9-9-9.
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