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Published February 20, 2012

As a student in high school I have come across a few tips and techniques in ensuring that girls choose Mr. Right as the perfect dates to prom.  All they have to do is follow the following steps.

 

1) The proposal.  

 

The proposal should be nothing short of marriage.  I'm talking flowers, chocolates, signs, teddy bears, posters, fireworks, guys with paint letters on their chests, water balloons, ice, a hairy Elvis impersonator, quotes from an Adele song, midgets, dwarves, little people, people who are little but not quite little enough to be called little people, pillow cases, mustard, Pokemon (especially Snorlax), oven mitts, orgasms, Wonder-bread, the Wonder Bra, singing ballads, burnt toast, clocks (the digital kind), machetes, a picture of Sarah Palin's back and all 57 varieties of Heinz ketchup, including the gross relish flavors.  If the guy asking you to prom does not include at least thirty-seven items off of the previous list in his proposal then he is not trying hard enough and does not deserve to take you to prom.  

 

2) The essential questions

 

Before agreeing to go to prom with a guy you have to ask yourself some essential questions:

 

1) Is anybody better possibly going to ask me who is either:

a) better looking b) has more money or c) better looking?

 

If the answer is yes than do not go to prom with the poor schmuck who just asked you.  We know you're not getting married to him but still you can do better.

 

2) If I go to prom with him should I expect:

a) the classic fairy tale prom b) the American Pie prom or c) the OMG I'm so bored get me out of here before I kill a baby kitten prom?

 

If the answer is yes, then you are insanely stupid because this is not a yes or no question, therefore you should say yes to the guy because most likely no one else will ask an idiot like you.

 

3) If I was stranded with this guy on a desert island and really had to go to the bathroom, would I poop on this guy?

 

If the answer is yes, then choose this guy.  Any guy that you are comfortable pooping on is a guy that you honestly care about.  Plus, he must be nice if he's letting you defecate on him I mean you have an entire island to poop on but you chose him and he lets you, now that's true love.

 

And finally 4) Do I want to go to prom with him?

 

If the answer is yes then you should NOT go to prom with him.  Please, you're a hormonal, highly irritable, PMSing, crazy psychotic, teenage girl, you don't know what you want.

 

3) The "Should I go to Prom?" game

 

There is a game that you can play with a friend in which he/she asks you a series of questions and you answer the first thing that comes to mind. 

If you're answers are right then you should choose this guy.

 

Let's say the guys name is Joe Smith.

Example of game in which you should NOT choose this guy:

 

Q: What is your favorite color?

A: Red

Q: What is your favorite animal?

A: Dog

Q: What is your favorite condiment?

A: Mustard

Q: What is your favorite condom to use with him?

A: Trojan

 

No! After this you know the guy is not for you.  

This is how the game should go so you know the guy is right.

 

Q: What is your favorite color?

A: Joe Smith

Q: What is your favorite animal?

A: Joe Smith

Q: What is your favorite condiment?

A: Joe Smith

Q: What is your favorite condom to use with him?

A: Trojan Magnums!

 

Then you know Joe Smith is your prom date.

 

4) The last tip I can give is to be aware of the red flags. 

Every guy has a few red flags about him that will pop up and make you think that you shouldn't go to prom with him.  A few red flags are fine but too many could cause a problem.  

If there are too many then this guy should not be your prom date.

Here are some red flags that could pop up and why they are red flags:

 

- The guy dresses better than you -- He could possibly be a closet gay

- The guy continuously spends large sums of money on you for no reason (no birthdays or anything) -- He likes you a lot more than you like him, and it'll be harder to eventually break up with him after prom because you'll feel bad

- The guy always makes you pay on dates -- He is a cheap scum

- The guy never holds doors open for you -- He is not a gentleman

- The guy doesn't own deodorant -- He will be smelly

- The guy has highly overactive sweat glands -- He will be sweaty

- The guy doesn't own deodorant and has highly overactive sweat glands -- He will be sweaty and smelly

- The guy has a girlfriend -- That's pretty obvious

- The guy has a wife -- You don't want to be a home-wrecker, plus what kind of high school guy is married, obvious scum bag

- The guy has kids -- You aren't their real mother (hopefully) so you don't want to get involved in that drama this early in your prom-relationship

- The guy still lives at home with his parents -- I know he's still in high school but c'mon

- The guy eats brussel sprouts -- Those things are nasty, so many better vegetables to choose

- The guy eats asparagus -- His urine will smell like cow dung

- The guy once kicked a hobo on the subway who was merely asking for change to get food even though it was probably for drugs -- He is an asshole

- The guy donates tons of money to charities, helps you with all of your chores, your parents love him, he volunteers at an animal hospital, he has a steady job despite being in high school and will be going to a prestigious university -- The guy is way too good for you and you will ultimately disappoint

 

Girls, if you follow these tips you will definitely choose the perfect prom date.

 

You're welcome.

 

 

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