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December 03, 2015

After yet another mass shooting, God wants everyone to stop giving their "thoughts and prayers" and do something.

The United States just suffered another mass shooting in Las Vegas, leaving at least 59 people dead and over 500 wounded. It was the 273rd mass shooting in the U.S. this year and the most devastating in recent history. Republican politicians have responded with the typical “thoughts and prayers” press releases and Tweets. See below for God’s response.


Dear Republican Politicians,

I received your “thoughts and prayers” regarding this mass shooting in Las Vegas. Thanks for reaching out. Glad you’re all thinking of me. I’ve become less relevant over the years what with modern technology and science and atheism and whatnot, so it’s nice to hear from you humans from time to time, although I’d prefer in happier circumstances.

But here’s the thing: I am sick and tired of you guys sitting around on your butts and “thinking and praying” while people keep shooting each other all the time. Do you think that “thinking and praying” is going to solve any of this gun violence? It’s not! I know because I am God! So get off your asses and DO something about it!

And in any case, if you had been listening to my answers to your prayers, you’d know that I am super against weapons. “Thoughts and prayers” are meaningless when you guys take money from the NRA. Ugh. But you guys all sit in church, distracted by your BlackBerrys — um, is it 2004? — and your “important campaign emails” and don’t listen to me. Gotta make sure you know what crazy Donald just Tweeted. But remember my 10 Commandments? “Thou shalt not kill” ring a bell? It’s right before the adultery commandment that I’m sure you’re all keenly aware of.

Seriously, do something about gun violence. Hello!

YOU are the people who are in the position to actually change things. Americans, for whatever reason, trust you and have put you in charge. Do you guys think I’m going to show up in a poof of smoke and wave a wand and fix this shit? That’s not how it works! I’m God — I’m not magical. Do you think I’m like a genie where you ask for something and then it appears out of thin air? Do you think Noah prayed for his family and all those animals to magically float above the flood? No, he didn’t pray, he chopped down some trees, gave his family some hammers and nails, and he built a fucking ark.

I like hard work and sticking up for what’s right and carrying crosses through the hot desert and other difficult stuff like that. I don’t like things to come easy. Didn’t you read my book? “Thoughts and prayers” = easy. Action = hard. Ergo, I like gun control legislation and mental health assistance and mandatory background checks and renewing the assault rifle ban and closing the gun show loopholes and literally all the things that you guys are not doing.

In summation, I’m sick of getting your “thoughts and prayers” about gun violence. Get your asses in gear and do something. Jesus didn’t waste his time dying for your sins so you could fuck everything up. And now that this is in writing, you can’t claim you didn’t know. Amen.

Thanks be to me,

P.S. Democrats, don’t think you’re getting off easy. You need to do more too. Talk is cheap.