In honor of Father's Day, I decided to take an in depth look at one of the real "not cool" dad moments in history. Dads are often accused of being "not cool" for good reasons like jean shorts, bad ties, and listening to the "Eagles". We love our dorky dad's for these quirky idiosyncrasies. Killing your son is neither cute nor quirky. In fact it's just about the uncoolest thing a dad can do. That's why today on the Boat, we're going to break down and translate what they were really thinking in Genesis Chapter 22 of the Old Testament, when Abraham offered his son Isaac as a sacrifice to God. Not cool Abe. Not cool.
(Scripture in bold/Time Machine translation in italics)
2:1 It happened after these things, that God tested Abraham, and said to him, "Abraham!" He said, "Here I am."
Translation: God: Yo Abe
Abe: Ya? (This can't be good)
22:2 He said, "Now take your son, your only son, whom you love, even Isaac, and go into the land of Moriah. Offer him there for a burnt offering on one of the mountains which I will tell you of."
Translation: God: What you're gonna do for me is kill your son. I can't tell you why, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one. C'mon Abe. C'mon. Abe! Abe! Abe! Abe! Abe!
22:3 Abraham rose early in the morning, and saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son. He split the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went to the place of which God had told him.
Translation: Abe: Young men, this is some serious bullshit. Ya, he wants me to kill Isaac. I know, that's what I said. Crazy right?
22:4 On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place far off.
Translation: Isaac: Dad, where are we going? My feet hurt. I'm thirsty.
Abe: Almost there buddy. It's a surprise.
22:5 Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey. The boy and I will go yonder. We will worship, and come back to you.
Translation: Abe: Yo, young men. I'll be right back. Just gotta do this thing with the thing (winking). Isaac: Daddy, whose alter is this?
Young Man 1: He's so fucking dead.
Young Man 2: What are we doin' later? I'm sick of watchin' this stupid fuckin' donkey all the time. (Mimicking Abe)"Watch the donkey. Don't leave the donkey. Did you feed the donkey?" Old man's fuckin' lost it.
22:6 Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. He took in his hand the fire and the knife. They both went together.
Translation: Abe: Hey buddy, you wanna just hold this wood for me. (The wood I'm going to burn you alive with.)
Isaac: Yea daddy, this is fun.
22:7 Isaac spoke to Abraham his father, and said, "My father?" He said, "Here I am, my son." He said, "Here is the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?"
Translation (Abe & Isaac have just turned into two black guys from the south side of Chicago or Sanford & Son):
Isaac: Yo pops?
Abe: Ya, what's up ya big dummy?
Isaac: I see some wood and some fire. I don't see no muthafuckin' lamb. Whas happnin? What the shit pops?
22:8 Abraham said, "God will provide himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they both went together.
Translation (white again): Abe: Uhhhhhh...God's uh...God's bringin' the lamb. He's always late. Ya know how he is.
22:9 They came to the place which God had told him of. Abraham built the altar there, and laid the wood in order, bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar, on the wood.
Translation: Isaac: Really? Not even a heads up. Not a "I'm sorry" or "God's making me". Just gonna tie me up, stab me, then burn me. Do you know how fucked up that sounds?
Abe: Son, don't be like that. I...uh...You think this is easy for me? You think I like walking all the way out here? I'm really, really old.
Isaac: Would it be easier for you if I just dug my own grave? I wouldn't want you to hurt your back again. By the way, you think it's been easy for me having a 100 year old dad? You don't think the other kids make fun of me and my dad, "Father Time". The other oldest dad in town is like maybe 34. What the fuck dad? Seriously, this is some bullshit.
22:10 Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to kill his son.
Translation: Abraham: (OK God...You can call this off at any time.)
22:11 The angel of Yahweh called to him out of the sky, and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" He said, "Here I am."
Translation: Angel: Yo, yo, yo, yo Abe. Whas happnin' baby? Nah, you ain't gotta do that shit. God was just fuckin' wit chu.
22:12 He said, "Don't lay your hand on the boy, neither do anything to him. For now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."
Translation: Angel: I can't believe your were really gonna do it. Crazy old Abe.
Translation: Abe: Well, I guess I could just kill that extremely stupid and weak ram that's somehow caught in a thicket. That ram is just asking to die. No hard feelings Ike? C'mon. You and the old man. Just like old times.
Isaac: Don't even talk to me right now.