Full Credits

Stats & Data

October 23, 2011

Tim finds out what it takes to order a gallon of milk on the internet.

Buying Milk on Amazon.com

I was curious to see if you can buy milk on Amazon.com. Turns out you can. Turns out you can also:

-Like a gallon of milk on Facebook (I did)

-Only buy new gallons of milk, no used.

-Buy a Gallon of milk, new, for $49.99.

-Read The Description below the product: Milk will be bought and shipped the day you buy. Whether it not gets there fresh is not my problem. No Refunds.” HAHAHAHA!

As you scroll down the page, however, the milk gets up in the pricier range per gallon ($2500+), with some pretty hilarious descriptions. Click to go to Gallon of Milk on Amazon

And can you order a beer off the internet? Yes. At Shopriteliquors.com you can order one 24oz. Miller Lite for $1.29. The calculated cost of shipping to my zip code, 67203? By Fedex Ground Home delivery (the cheapest) it's $18.79. But I can't fucking wait for a delicious Miller Lite, so I chose Overnight ($99.70) for a grand total $100.99. I'm going to be getting vaguely intoxicated like a King! I'm going to tip the mailwoman/waitress tomorrow after throwing the packing peanuts off and guzzling it down. Then I'll rip off my shirt. Why in the Hell did I do that? I've lost too many shirts this way.

Oh wait, there is an option, $0.00 for store pick-up. Oh man, it would be so funny to order a delicious 24oz. Miller lite and never go pick it up. Then they'd have to have this delicious Miller Lite sitting around and nobody could drink it and it would just sit there forever until the store closed which it's likely to do soon since how could you stay open if your beers cost $100? The owner would have to take my beer can home with him and just keep it and hope that some day he'd run across Tim Rogers and it would eat him up inside until he killed himself. Wait! I don't want that to happen. At least most of me doesn't.

So I guess I could go pick it up. From my house, it's only 1,395 miles. With current gas prices at $3.59/gallon in Wichita, I calculate I could easily make it there and back for about $400 if I slept in my car and didn't eat. And really $401.29 is a small price to pay to prevent suicide, plus I'd get hammered if I drank it on my empty stomach.

Lastly, I just want to compare the prices of the 3 liquids I mentioned in this article. A Gallon of beer would cost $6.88, a gallon of gas is $3.59, and a gallon of milk is $49.99. So obviously drinking a gallon of gasoline would be the cheapest.

Postscript: If a pack of 20 cigarettes costs $5.50, one gallon of gas is worth 13 cigarettes. Math!

Bored? Check out some of the new videos on The Men's Scrapbooking Club Website.

Or, keep reading more of my drivel here.