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September 23, 2008


Waking up late is kind of like eating French toast sticks from Jack in the Box. I am glad that I got the extra sleep but feel bad that I missed the opportunity to shake my booty for some casting woman that just had lipo and is tired of watching shaking booties that are cellulite free all day. The reason that they are cellulite free is because of genetics and not any hard work or any hard surgery for that matter. And, the reason I feel bad about not showing is that my agent is working hard to get those auditions for me and I should have the decency to wake the crap up. But maybe I made the lipo ladies day by not showing up. Maybe she can go home 15 minutes early today since I missed my call. Maybe she will meet a producer of Christian films during that 15 minutes and find that he could give two craps about a little cellulite. He actually just broke up with an African American female minister and likes a little cush on a tush. Maybe they went out on a date and she ordered French toast sticks and then they decided to serve French toast sticks at their wedding…

Waking up late is much like eating a piece of French toast goodness that has been completely covered in deep fried yumminess. Then dipped into synthetic made to smell like maple syrup. It is heavenly but you feel a little guilty about having fantastic genetics…

The dream that ensued while I was getting that extra hour was well worth it though…I was running through a field of daisies with Sarah Silverman and Maria Bamford… Sarah was strumming her guitar and writing a new song entitled “I like daisies more than JayZ” which went on to be number one on the Billboard chart and knocked JayZ’s “99 problems but digging ditches ain’t one” down to spot 13 on the Billboard chart. He was quoted on TMZ as saying “That bitch is a problem.” The people at FTD (the flower delivery people) were very grateful to Sarah because she saved their company by starting a designer collection in their fall arrangements category of warm colored, autumn flowers and daisies. Their company was going under previously. Due to her collection, sales increased. The lazy, but rich and inconsiderate people all around the world rejoiced that their assistants could still send flowers through FTD so that their loved ones would think that they actually cared.

All the while that Sarah was singing, I was watching a bee pollinate other daisies and Maria was doing an impression of the blind melon tap dancing bee girl. She was telling us the story of how the bee girl found success in Hollywood. Maria explained “The bee girl was given an opportunity to play herself, the bee, on Hollywood Blvd. and was making great tips. She paid off the costume which she had to buy herself for the video and met a Hayden Panettiere who dressed up on Hollywood Blvd. too, as Dot, the younger princess ant of the royal family in “A Bugs Life.” They became best friends and Hayden got the young bee girl a role in the hit show “Heroes” as a cheerleader. Her role was the cheerleader that gets stung by a bee at cheerleading camp doing a basket toss. Instead of using an injection by syringe to get over the sting she starts to tap dance and then has the ability to help people that are allergic to bee stings by tongue kissing them instead of having adrenaline administered. The length of the French kiss, in direct accord to the severity of symptoms of the bee sting. Her kiss as strong as adrenaline injected intramuscularly. But her cheerleading sucks afterwards. She also gets sued by the first few guys that she saves after her hot, passionate, soft, supple, amazingly tantilizing kiss. Unfortunately, once she kisses them they can never find passion like that again. She then decides to only help those who are wearing a medical ID bracelet and carrying an insect allergy kit due to her fear of being sued. “Heroes” then decides to continue to write her character in because of her friendship with Hayden Panettiere”, Maria Bamford explained, much more eloquently than I just re-recited. At the end of the dream, I said “French kissing and French toast sticks are both really yummy!” Sarah, Maria and I started to dance in the daisies singing Sarah’s new “I love daisies better than JayZ” song…I will tell you the lyrics of the song later.

So in conclusion, I feel much better that I slept in today and missed my audition. I think that I just may sleep in again tomorrow and have beautiful dreams of women comediennes who are actually making a living making others laugh!