On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid replies, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid continued, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!”
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, “It’s my wash cloth.”
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, “What happened to your wash cloth?”
The mother responded, “I lost it.”
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, “I found your washcloth.”
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, “Where did you find it?”
The boy answered, “The maid has it! She is washing daddy’s face with it.”
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?”
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. “Sure had a big dick.”
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.”
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
“No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor…”
“At this time of the night? No one will show up…”
“I’ve already said No, and NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blowie…I know you’d like it, too…”
“No! I’ve said NO!”
“My love… Don’t be like that…”
At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder.
Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and
give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?” The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”
At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, “watch out for the wall!”
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.” The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!”
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
“No thanks… just give me a few minutes… I’ll be fine…” he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks.
“Well… yes… That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my thumb still hurts like hell.”
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, “You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?”
“For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!”
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. “You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too.”
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “ I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!”
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his
bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny’s father bent
over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doin’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents’ bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says. “Oh… well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
The boy says, “That won’t work.”
His mom says, “Why?”
The boy replies. “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is no justice in the world.”
The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”
The first little old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.”
Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an “F” in Arithmetic today.
“Why?” asks his father.
“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ I said "6”.
“But that’s right,” said his father.
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’
"What’s the fucking difference?” asks his father.
“That’s what I said!”
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, “I’ll get off.”
After a really touching speech from the brunette about how she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.’”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, “Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. “OK. Now what??”
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ‘ear’ or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ‘ear’,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly, “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied!
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.