TRUE BLOOD: Upside: the guy playing Lafayette is a SIX-GUN GENIUS! He makes up for some severely challenging acting and a lot of bad (sometimes downright creepy) Skinemax sex. Downside: no amount of fabulous brilliance from that guy can counteract Tara's eighth-grade-version-of-Cat-On-A-Hot-Tin-Roof southern accent. Whoof. I do like The Sheriff, though. He's a badass sundae with a side of cream.
VAMPIRE DIARIES: Downside: typical tortured CW hotties staring, making out, staring, looking anorexic, staring, having fake sex, blinding you with their insanely white teeth, staring. Upside: an hour full of adorable hotties every week making my time on the treadmill fly like that creepy trained crow that keeps popping up in Elena's window.
Truly tragic: whomever is doing the black girl's (Bonnie's) hair. I feel like staging an intervention on behalf of all my people. Let's take a moment out to adjust the weave, shall we? No shame in rockin' the pieces, but for gawd's sake, let's calibrate it properly.
THIS WEEK'S WINNER (by a fang): Vampire Diaries. But only because I have a massive crush on Matt Donovan (Zach Roerig), Elena's ex. Could he be cuter or sweeter or more freakin' diesel? I am not a "bad boy" girl (keep your naughty texts and your cheating and your cold sores to yourself, mister!). Give me a nice, honorable guy who sticks up for his girl and his family, does the right thing even when it's a pain in the ass, and is yoked like an Olympic gymnast. Yass, indeedy, yum.
Next week's Death Match: Top Chef vs. Chopped. One's a biter. Guess which one?