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August 20, 2017

Being sick sucks, but the person who got you sick is the spawn of the Satan.

Being sick sucks. I can’t think of many feelings that are worse than having the sniffles. I don’t crave that post breakup feeling. You know, the feeling of hopelessness, and the unsettling reality that you might die alone. I hate waking up with a hangover. It’s like, why am I being punished for having a good time? My day is also ruined when I get a Chipotle bowl with barely any guacamole, like it doesn’t cost extra. Still, nothing is worse than being sick, and nobody is worse than that person who got you sick.

Waking up with a snuffed nose is like waking up with a dick in the mouth. The bad thing about being sick is, this dick is going to be in there for about 24 hours. There’s no sexual harassment policy for a filled nasal cavity. That’s the thing; Being sick just fucks you. At least when you get fucked by someone, you know who it is. We’re somewhat aquatinted if we have sex. With being sick, you have no idea who did it to you. Someone literally infected you with their own germs that have caused an all-out war inside your body. Rule #1 is to stay away from drama starters, disease spreaders are in that category.

There are rules for everything in life. Haven’t you seen Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm? My Mom likes to call it, Home Training. During that training, you should learn when and when not to leave the house while you are carrying a plague. Here’s the cold hard truth, no one is going to think you’re a hero by leaving the house sick. If anything, they’re going to think you’re an inconsiderate, self-involved narcissistic ass. Have you ever sat next to a sick person? They’re over there coughing, and hacking all in your airspace. You’re sitting there asking if this is really happening? You’re supposed to keep it together. You would look like a jerk if you called them out, even though they’re poisoning you.

This is the golden rule, if you leave the house while you’re sick, then you better keep your shit together. Have some freaking self-respect. Don’t get on the subway coughing in the face of an old lady. She barely has any antibodies, you are killing her. Take a sick day, that’s why you have them. Don’t use your sick days as extra vacation days, or for a day trip to Beacon. Use them when you are sick, and if you haven’t used any or all of them by year’s end, then use them in December. Don’t be Dan in accounting who’s always sneezing one second and trying to shake your hand the other.

You need to have a sick bag ready, I mean READY. Have all of your go-to medicines, books, movies, snacks, foods, tissues, blankets, and whatever the fuck else you need ready to go. If you wake, knowing you’ve been fucked, then call off work, go to wherever you have your sick bag stored, and don’t leave your house until you are healthy. If you are one of the luckier humans on this planet, you might even have someone to take care of you. You can infect them, they signed up for it when they got into a relationship with you. The point is we need to start treating being sick like having safe sex. You need to wrap it up or be on the pill.