or

 

-The person seating you- is waiting for their 18th birthday to join the ranks of servers (Who are waiting for their 21st birthday so they can work at the bar). In the meantime they must get comfortable with mindless work and females must learn to endure the advances of all male cooks, bartenders, bus boys, dish washers, and managers (those that find joy in over shot incredibly generous pick up lines for decent (at best) looks can be found at all Hooters locations). Males normally attend the same school as said female and have taken the job to spend more time with them in the hopes all that it will increase their chances of a hook up (they don’t). Females will undoubtedly scare at least one cook or bartender into thinking a statutory rape charge is inevitable.

QUOTE - "OMG! I know right? He is such an effing creep."

            Male- “You deserve better than that. Hey wanna go to homecoming? ... As friends, I mean I understand if you don’t want to. It’s cool I didn’t really wanna go anyway.”

-Your server- is a lazy self involved ass/bitch that are too narcissistic and shallow to participate in most conversations outside of themselves and the restaurant. You bet your sweet ass that they read a headline somewhere and have formed their own opinion and consider themselves informed on the topic though. Self righteous ("actor” in California and 43 other states) victim of life suckery destined for mediocrity with a really, really low set of sexual standards. 25 and older have undoubtedly taken a semester off of college (mainly Community College) and have turned dropping classes in time to get their money back into an art form. 75% of females have sent naked pictures of themselves to at least one bartender at some point. Females also often call droves of people they've never seen honey, sweetie, sugar, pumpkin, sweetheart, and babe. Have an entire facebook (bathroom) self portrait duck face album taken with their cell phone and have conned themselves into thinking they are the most hard working employees in the building when in all actuality they do less than the next employee.

QUOTE – “I think I’m gonna change my major to education. A three month vacation every year will give me some time to audition and finish my screenplay.”

            “Try serving, I have to deal with a little something called the public sweetheart”

Female- “Why does everybody think I’m such a whore? There was only 6 people in the room.”

-Expo- The laziest asshole in the building that's always too busy to walk to a table 10 feet away and get tipped out (not for doing any work but for being smart enough to do nothing and be able to still correct tips).

QUOTE - "Can you run this to table 46? I am so in the weeds right now."

-The Cook- Substance abuse addict that has been arrested for something at some point. Social outcast with either a "band/music act with a really original sound" and demo that's gonna change the music world or a short temper he uses to deflect the attention off the poor life choices that refuses the irrefutable evidence of why he REALLY is a 38 year old short order cook.

QUOTE - "Bitch! Look at the ticket! Does it say no cheese? NO! It fucking doesn't say no cheese cause you didn't type in no cheese. How the fuck are you still breathing you fucking dunce?”

“We’re playing at the Sunset Bowling Tuesday night after karaoke. You should check it out it’s gonna be sick AND we’re performing a new song called, ‘Sex me you sexy sell out.’ It’s about the bias practices in the music industry and how we’re not gonna sell out when we get signed.”

            “Try cooking I have to deal with dumb fucks called you”

-The person running the joint- Creepy jagoff with the respect level of a cop. Takes short comings out on staff, to keep the focus off the fact they don’t really do anything except take their short comings out on the staff and the little they do-do (I said do-do) they either fuck up personally or get someone else to finish so they don’t fuck things up personally.

QUOTE - "Johnny said I fucked up the chicken? He also said salmon looked gay on me… Fire him… now.”

-The Bartender- They’re drunk with 3 different kinds of drugs coursing through their veins half way to kidney failure with a cirrhotic liver for good measure.

QUOTE - "Dude, dude, dude, no shit last night snorted an 8 ball off that new server's tits, smoked an L with Carl, shotgunned 8 Guinness, yacked all over Brandy's windshield, and kept the flip cup crown. Fucking sick bro, for reals."

-The Bus Boy- Individual that makes co-workers feel good about themselves… because they don’t bus tables for a living. Cook in training.

QUOTE – “This is some bull shit. Fuck you Sally. I may be a bus boy but at least I’m not pissing razors out of a blue waffle, past a cold sore and wart. Fucking skank”

-The Dish Washer- can’t speak or understand English. Those that can act like they can’t to avoid degrading cleaning projects and forced conversations

QUOTE - Que?

-The Kitchen Manager- Sells coke to cooks. Has considered leaving his day job and start a business model called Coke for cooks.

QUOTE – (Spoken at the speed of a bullet) “What? I’m not doing coke, why would I be on coke, I’m at work, I love my job, working here is like a drug, I swear I don’t do coke. Why’s my nose red? I’ve got a cold. I can’t get a cold? It’s a cold check my forehead (cough) See… sick. Who said I was on coke? John? Did John say I was on coke? You know you can’t trust John, I heard John was on coke. I was eating skittles in the bathroom. You know skittles make me hyper. Did you hear John was on coke?”

-Assistant Manager- Used to be cool with the majority of the restaurant but has started burning bridges as a hobby, oblivious to the reason why everybody hates them now. Self important doucher on a power trip that doesn’t know that fry cook is one half thought insult from dropping his bitch ass.

QUOTE - "Why does everybody stop talking when I come around?"

            “Why does Carlos keep looking at me like that?”

-General Manager- Usually white, those who aren’t might as well be, or put on a great white guy impersonation in front of the right people.

QUOTE - "Alright guys let's have a good shift, if you need anything I'll be in the office."

            Not White- “Why yes sir, sir that is a very lovely color and I’d love tickets for the hockey game. I found a recipe for parsnips this weekend you have got to try it is divine. Have you heard that new Kenny Rogers album? I can’t stop listening to track 3. It’s like he read my mind, you know. What about that new Jeff Foxworthy comedy album? His material is some of the most original and astute observations on people. I friggin love that guy bro.”

 

FACTS:

-There’s an 87% chance you’ve ingested spit… there’s a 36% chance you’ve ingested something worse.

-There’s a 100% chance you don’t want to know what those things are.

-There's a 100% chance if you haven't ingested these things yet you will at some point

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