1) This Guy’s Shirt
Drugs are scary! They’ll have you passed out in an abandoned church, waking up to find bloody corpses and a flesh-eating girlfriend. That’s just a thing that you need to accept will happen if you start doing drugs. Also, was she his girlfriend? Because at the hospital he says she’s his friend. Ugh, guys in LA are such commitmentphobes! Guess they were just friends with heroin benefits. But on a significantly more scary note, drugs will apparently make you think this is a t-shirt. I’m so confused. Is it a child’s blouse? Did he just staple three paper towels together and call it a day?
Look at this tiny piece of fabric hanging on for dear life. That’s not enough clothes! Buy more clothes next time.
2) Somebody Please Eat This Kid
Ugh, my biological dad wants to hang out with me? I better call him a piece of shit and mock him. What a brat! This kid sucks. In a show that has already presented us with no less than 17 annoying children in the first ep (strong start!) this kid has emerged as the one I hope gets eaten the most. And fastest. If they pull a Kenny and kill this kid every episode, that would be cool with me. Also, is every kid on this show a self-absorbed cell phone addict with divorced parents? Because I grew up in LA and they pretty much nailed that part.
3) We Get It, You’re In LA
Oh yeah, did we mention we’re in LA? Here, let us show you.
Look at that smoggy skyline! We are in Los Angeles.
One more time in case you missed it. Check out the palm trees! Confirmed: this show takes place in Los Angeles, California.
Venice Beach! Gotta check out Venice Beach when you come to LA!
Make sure you visit the LA River when you come to LA! All the locals hang out here to do heroin and kill their friends!
Holy shit. We get it! You are in Los Angeles! No need to ominously pan up and reveal our weak skyline every twelve minutes. Please go a little easier on the landmarks. Can’t wait to see the gang hang out at The Grove next week. Maybe crack the case of the indestructible drug dealer over a kale salad at Urth Caffee. Or maybe they’ll make a gluten joke! Too late, they already did that. Maybe they’ll make another gluten joke. Yeah, that sounds about right.
4) True Detectives
If my son told me about a scary murder in a church, I would definitely go check- wait. Sorry. If my stepson told me about a scary murder in a church, I would probably- ah, shit. Still learning these characters’ relationships. If my girlfriend’s son told me about a scary murder in a church….hmm. I mean, there’s no family relationship there. He’s basically just some guy. I would say my obligations do not include going to investigate said scary murder. And at what point do the police get involved here? Like, wouldn’t the next logical step after finding a pool of blood be to call the cops? Instead he just brings his girlfriend to the scene. You gotta come see this pool of blood! Date night!
Yikes, mom! Sorry you found his favorite heroin book. I bet until she opened this thing, she thought he was holed up in this terrifying church getting his read on. Honestly, she should just be glad he still owns one book. That’s better than most people I know.
5) Let This Guy Sleep
I’ve fallen asleep in every academic subject I’ve ever taken and never once woke up with something intelligent to say. This guy is shamelessly out cold and wakes up with a PHD in natural symbolism. Let the man nap! He’s clearly doing fantastic. Probably just exhausted from reading the homework three times last night. Also, naps are going to be a pretty rare commodity in the near future. Get ‘em while you can. Holy shit, a world without naps. This zombie apocalypse stuff really is terrifying.
6) Now His Clothes Are Too Big
First his shirt was too small, now all his clothes are too big. Ugh, clothes are so hard! Maybe he should’ve stayed in school and taken a class in clothes. I guess that’s what happens when you do your shopping by rummaging through a dead man’s plastic clothes sack. Silver Lake is that way, dude! Lots of guys wearing vintage jackets. You’ll blend right in.
7) Subtle Foreshadowing
Oh no! He didn’t show up to their usual hangout spot at Venice Beach. You know, right next to the Venice Beach sign. Just one of the many classic things LA residents do every day! I wonder if this, “You better be dead!” text means he’s dead? He’s probably fine. Just kidding. He’s dead. He’s at least bit and turning. It’s too bad, I liked him. Remember when he drew that art on her arm? I thought they were going to get married! Also, did she really just type “leavin” and hit send? Yes. Yes she did.
Millennials don’t have time for spelling or full words! They’re too busy moping around Venice Beach listening to their earbuds! This show gets it and is an immediate contender for most likely to be the voice of a generation. NOT! Haha, remember NOT jokes? Haha,they’re still so so SO good. NOT!
8) That Escalated Quickly
Hold the phone, you guys. You mean that the dude we saw earlier is actually a bad guy?
But he was vacuuming his wheelchair accessible minivan! And he has pink flamingos on his lawn!
And it looks like he gives great hugs! Right by his pink flamingos! I guess this is actually a good cover. If I sold heroin and was down to murder people, I would spend all day publicly vacuuming my wheelchair accessible minivan next to pink flamingos. Quite possibly the least threatening visual ever. And it gives you a rock solid alibi. “Did Pete sell heroin and kill somebody in the river?” “I don’t know when he’d find the time, he’s always vacuuming his wheelchair accessible minivan by his pink flamingos. I’m beginning to worry about him, but he’s definitely harmless.”
Also, our junkie protagonist went from a tormented self-defense killer straight into vehicular executioner.
Slow down, Nick! You’re scaring us. The world hasn’t completely fallen apart and you’re already a cold blooded killer. Also, is your name Nick? I wasn’t totally paying attention. Who will Nick (?) run over next week?
And will this kid show up to school with a pair of safety scissors hidden in his Fall Out Boy lunch box? Tune in to find out on the thrilling second episode of Fear The Walking Dead! Maybe we’ll also get another zombie or two.