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May 09, 2012

I go to where people never venture---their spam e-mail folder


Journey to the Center of My Spam Folder


Because I am a loser, I regularly check my spam e-mail folder. It makes me feel special. Every day, it seems like I have a long lost uncle that died in England and listed me as a beneficiary on their will. I’m worth practically nothing in real life, but whenever I’m logged on to my spam e-mail folder, I am seemingly worth 1.8 billion dollars. Do you know how good it feels to be that rich? Of course you don’t, loser. I do, though. Suck it.

I also feel super attractive when I am on my spam e-mail folder. In the past three days I received several not safe for work pictures from a gal named Jessica. I never click on the e-mails because in my heart of hearts I know the pictures aren’t real. I just never received a naked picture of anyone in my life and pretend naked pictures make me feel special—even if they are just pretend.

Because I love all seven of my regular readers, I will give you a glimpse of my personal life—the very special contents of my spam folder.


Email Number One-- FROM: Timeshare Experts  SUBJECT: Someone Wants To Buy Your Timeshare!

The great thing about this is that I don’t have a timeshare. Hell, I don’t even know what a timeshare is. But spam folders are truly magical places, the spam folder makes you feel special. It gives you things that you don’t even own. Usually I have to imagine my fantasies, but thanks to spam e-mail, I can visualize them too.

Email Number Two—FROM: Learn a Language  SUBJECT: Learn a Language in Ten Days..GUARNTEED

Not only does spam e-mail allow me to visualize my life’s dream of owning a timeshare, it also makes me believe that I am a genius. I studied Spanish for three years in high school and I am absolutely incoherent in it, but thanks to spam e-mail, I know that I can actually learn a new language in ten days. Why?  Because guaranteed is in caps lock and that’s how you know when an e-mail is serious.

Email Number Three—FROM: Jessica <3  SUBJECT: See Pictures of Single Christians in Your Area For Free

This e-mail makes me ask so many questions. Why would I care to see single Christians in my area? Why not just single girls? How the hell did Jessica get these pictures of single Christians in my area? Is there a single Christian database? Is there some place where I have to pay to see pictures of Single Christians in my area? Couldn’t I just go to church to see single Christians in my area? Actually, I’d just rather pay for pictures.

Email Number Four – FROM: Jessica  SUBJECT: View My Pic’s (NSFW)

I am going to make the assumption that the Jessica that sent me the naked picture is different from the Jessica that wants to show me pictures of single Christians in my area for free. Sending me a NSFW pic just doesn’t seem like a very Christian thing to do. Also it should say “View My Pics” instead of “View My Pic’s”. That really pisses me off. I refuse to be seduced by anyone that uses improper grammar when they are in the process of seducing me. My grammar is nowhere near perfect, and I have probably made at least 87 grammatical errors in this article, but I think we all can agree that a misplaced apostrophe is a total boner-killer.

Email Number Five– FROM: Jessica  SUBJECT: View My Pic’s (NSFW)

I’m beginning to think that Jessica is kind of a whore.

Email Number Six—FROM: Eharmony Specials  SUBJECT: See Photos of Singles in Your City With EHarmony

I don’t get these e-mails. Why would I need to looks up photos of singles in my city? Isn’t Facebook for that? Why would I even waste my time on looking up photos of singles in my city? I’m on the damn Internet; I could just stare at pictures of Kate Upton for free.

Email Number Seven—FROM: Premier Care in Bathing  SUBJECT: #1 Bathtub for Arthritis

Apparently, I am 87.

Email Number Eight and Nine- FROM: Wong Hui, Aart Barend

Apparently these two renowned businessmen felt like offering to send me, a person with no sort of financial acumen, several million dollars. Both of these fine gentlemen knew someone who recently died in Libya and are in control of several million dollars. For some reason (it must be my good looks) they offered to send me several million dollars if I disclosed my banking information to them. I was very tempted to take them up on their generous offer, but I was too busy looking at pictures of Christian singles in my area.

Special Note:

Unsurprisingly, I received no male enhancement advertisements in my spam folder. The spammers must already know that I’ll never need any of those pills---the lack of sex in my life is apparently that well known.

Hey, I guess I could always e-mail Jessica.