(I’ll never get the chance to meet Sarah Palin unless I am drugged, hauled to a forest in Alaska and strapped to a moose. But in my dreams, this is what I imagine interviewing her would be like.)
Sarah Palin: Good evening. Can I call you Keri?
Me: Well, it is my name. And, uh, it’s actually not evening. It’s 10 a.m.
Palin: Come again?
Me: You said good evening and it’s actually morning.
Palin: Well I don’t know how the mainstream media tells time, but in real America it’s evening. You see Keri, the real America has been up since 4 a.m. and is halfway through its day by now.
Me: And all this time I’ve been going by the whole sun-moon thing. You learn something new every day.
Palin: (Wink) I’ve certainly found that to be true the last few weeks. (Wink)
Me: Do you have something wrong with your eye? I’m sure that eye spasm will pass. Let’s move on. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
Palin: Well we women are all in this big boat together.
Me: So you are a feminist?
Palin: Oh I think I’m too pretty for that.
Me: Okaaaay. Next question. The vice president has to be ready to become president at a moment’s notice. Are you ready?
Palin: People ask me this all the time, Keri. And, you know, it’s getting kinda insulting. When I was a beauty contestant and they said the runner-up would have to step in and fulfill the duties should the winner not be able to, I took that seriously. I was ready then and I’m ready now.
Me: I hardly think it’s the same thing.
Palin: Keri, you don’t know how cutthroat those Bs can be, excuse my language. Give me the Russians any day of the week.
Me: You can’t really see the Russians from your home, be honest.
Palin: Keri, Scout’s honor, I send messages to them with my trusty flashlight every night.
Me: Uh, what is the message?
Palin: Alaska is the only real superpower.
Me: Don’t you mean America?
Palin: Alaska is America, Keri. See that’s the problem with this great nation of ours. It’s filled with people who say America is only big cities and big states. The little guys don’t count. Alaska is the Joe the Plumber of these here United States.
Me: We should wrap this up. One last question. Can we really solve our energy crisis with “Drill baby drill.”
Palin: Oil is where it’s at, let’s face facts here. We have to do everything necessary to help the American people. If all the oil suddenly vanished, and the only thing that worked was the blood of baby polar bears, I would pick up that club. That is how much I love this country. I would bash that poor thing’s brains out for this great land.
Me: Oh, that’s the image I’d like to take with me. Thank you governor.
Palin: Good evening to ya.