Now when Jesus J. Trump saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:
Wow. Look at this. Hi. How are you. They tell me there’s some meek that are still down in the valley but whatdya think should we go ahead and start? I mean if the meek wanted to be here they coulda shoved their way up like everybody else. You’ll never get anywhere or inherit anything being meek. You just won’t.
And listen, I know you can’t see them but there’s a lot of scribes here. Who incidentally are the worst. The absolute worst. Totally dishonest. But I have to tell you I can’t wait to read how the scribes estimate this crowd.
Quick story, I go home sometimes and my Mom will say “did anyone hear your parable son?” and I’m like “Anyone? Ma I had a multitude! There were thousands and thousands of people.” But she doesn’t know cause the scribes won’t report it. Despicable.
But this is a fantastic turnout for a mountain. Which is why the Pharisees fear me if you wanna know the truth. You think they could get a turnout like this? Nobody goes to see em at the Temple let alone have to climb all the way up here. Maybe if they trim those stupid beards and lose the poofy hats somebody’ll take em seriously. I say maybe because I doubt it.
And Mary Magdalene is here. You wanna take a bow hon. Isn’t she great. Doesn’t she look beautiful. Who’d wanna stone something that looks like that am I right! Thanks babe.
So anyway I look around here and we have the poor. We have the merciful. I’m told there’s some mourners. And that’s fine. The pure, in all honesty, can get on your nerves. And the sorrowful I have to tell you need to knock it off OK.
You think I don’t have cause to be sorrowful with what’s ahead of me? Gimme a break. The thorns and the nails and then hanging there for all hours! It’s going to be more pain than any of you could endure that I can tell you.
So. The Pharisees are liars. Horrible horrible liars. Though in all fairness it’s because they envy me. And, not to judge, but they happen to be incredibly stupid low energy people who never did a thing but sit around like eggheads while I’m out building this amazing religion.
I mean take a look at these hands. These are big hands! Try curing a leper or a cripple or some nut with a demon in him by laying on small hands. And, truthfully, even before I realized I was God I can’t tell you how many Galileans would come up to me and say they still got a footstool or some shelving or patio furniture that I made and it’s the finest they’ve ever owned. The absolute finest.
That reminds me, if anybody hungers or thirsts we have lots of Jesus J.Trump Winewater for sale and there’s the Jesus J.Trump Fishloaves which are so good and everybody loves em but they never seem to run out. Which quite frankly is a miracle and one of the reasons I’m being persecuted all over the place if you can even believe it.
So I’m building this incredible movement and yes there’s lots of needy in it but I love the needy. Though once you start with giving to the needy it never stops. No I’m kidding with that. I can see the headlines ‘Jesus J.Trump Shoves Plank In Needys’ Eye’. But, ya know, I don’t like to draw attention to myself but I do all kinds of good things because I happen to be a caring person…
OK get him out of here. Disciples. Get him out. Bye bye. Yeah yeah get a job! Why don’t you get a job! You’re an evil person and if you think I’m gonna stand here and let you yell that I’m not a rich man with an incredible kingdom you’re crazy. Yeah. You’re a pussy. You are a pussy. I forgot more about camels and needle eyes than you’ll ever know you moron. And if I wasn’t such a merciful peacemaker I’d come down there and smash both your cheeks in.
Get him out. I’ll bet he’s a Samaritan. I don’t care what you’ve heard. None of em are good. Not a one. Is he out? Great.
Sorry folks. Anyway, so, in conclusion, if you’re gonna build a house on a rock and it rains the streams are gonna… Ya know what. That idiot disrupter has me so pissed off I forgot where I was going with this. The point is all of you are seeking and I’ve got a beautiful message that says you can serve me and get rewarded here on earth. So shut up and follow OK.
Now let’s get off this damn mount. My ass is sore as hell.