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February 10, 2016
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A contestant at the bottom attempts to take down one of the front-runners.

We begin the BEST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON SO FAR with the Olivia cliffhanger from last week. Delicate Ben pulls her to the side before the rose ceremony and lightly interrogates her about how all the women said she’s pure evil. Olivia turns Ben’s investigation back on him by saying that the girls targeted her after Ben gave her the first impression rose.

Well, don’t you think this is really your fault for putting that target on my back? I pretty much HAD to call Amanda a Teen Mom at that point.

Meanwhile, the other women brainstorm what is happening. Twin Emily calls Olivia’s Teen Mom joke the “most offensive joke I’ve ever heard in my life”. Someone is absolutely ready for her life in the public eye after being on The Bachelor. They have now used the reaction shot of Twin Emily to Olivia’s tears for the second episode in a row. WHICH OLIVIA TEARS WAS SHE RESPONDING TO THAT WERE FAKE AS FUCK?! I MUST KNOW!!! Becca is in her natural state, confused.

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Right now or ever in life.

Olivia tells Ben she can’t get along with the the women because “everybody here is really into like, you know, like painting their nails and doing each other’s hair. And that’s great, but, like, I’m just different. Like, I like reading books in my room. And like, you know, thinking, and that’s what I do. And I want to talk smart things."Ben is satisfied with Olivia’s misdirection about being too much of a scholar and she comes back to the crew with her rose intact.

You think you can just paint your nails, attack my love of reading, and get away with it?

The girls are upset that that means someone else “who deserves to be here” has to go home.

Only real tears that make you look constipated should count!

Rose Ceremony #1

Ben: “I enjoy and appreciate each one of you. You are all different.” He appreciates Jennifer less though and she goes home and Amanda cries. Ben comforts the women saying, “Thank you for being who you all are… As hard as this is and as low some of these points can get, it’s gonna lead to a really great life.” Is it? Ben announces where they’re going next: “There’s gonna be a lot of sun. A lot of beach. A lot of ocean.” And a lot of you all practically naked and upset, fighting for time with me on national television. It’s the Bahamas.

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Obligatory traveling to new location screaming shot.

Becca: “The water is so blue. The sand is so white.” My brain is so empty.

Caila’s One-on-One Date

Ben picks Caila up from the hotel and Leah comes out of the woodwork to be visibly pissed. Caila tells Ben it was hard leaving some of the girls’ sad faces and Ben wants to know who. In a pro-move as someone who’s obviously seen the show, Caila doesn’t name names. They’re doing one of Ben’s favorite activities, deep-sea fishing, which I guess is probably common in the deep Indiana oceans.

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Why am I not one-on-one worthy?

They intercut scenes of Leah sobbing with Ben and Caila’s date. Leah: “Everybody keeps telling me if you don’t get a one-on-one date this week then you’re pretty much done.” Which girls are telling her this? Jesus Christ. Meanwhile on the boat, Caila wears some sort of fishing-chastity-belt.

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Ben are you suuure you want me to peg you with this?

Ben makes Caila kiss the fish they caught while Leah is still weeping about looking like a “total fool."Ben’s got some weird Bible quote tattoo all over his stomach that brings him down several thousand notches. All I can read is it starts with "Commit to the LORD.” Good lord.

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Ben only commits to heinous regrettable things.

During the serious portion of the date with Caila, Ben’s opening line is: “So, you smile a lot. I’ve noticed that about you.” Then he asks if she or her lover were struggling would she still smile through it or actually feel it? Has Ben dated a bunch of numb girls?

Caila then says a bunch of nonsense: “I feel like I love you… Part of me is afraid because your greatest fear is being unlovable. And my greatest fear might be breaking your heart… Maybe my mind is thinking different from my heart… I was afraid I’m going to confuse you. I’m a confusing person.” Then she tells him she knows she’s in love because she feels she’s being understood by him. Which is hilarious because both Ben and Bachelor Nation don’t know wtf she’s talking about.

Ben mistakes Caila having a stroke in front of him for love.

Bahamas Group Date

The women go on a boat. Becca calls the water “unpredictable”. They try to mislead us into thinking the women are going to be attacked by sharks but it’s swimming pigs!!!!! Ben: “Today, the unpredictability of life has come upon us.”

The unpredictability of life attacks Jojo’s taco.

The women feed the pigs chicken hot dogs and it’s amazing.

This is what Virginal Becca does with the first wiener she’s ever touched.

The date starts to get extremely awkward when the pig frenzy ends and Ben goes off in the water with Lauren B.land.

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Soccer-Mom-Lauren H. is disappointed she has so much trouble putting soccer cleats on piglet.

Ben is loving how Jojo “gets that group dates are awkward”. Leah complains to Ben that she’s the “Group Date Groupie” and not getting any one-on-one time. She spends the whole conversation pouting and then somehow doesn’t feel it went well.

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I’ve now decided there’s nothing better than someone sobbing with their ass in the ocean.

At the evening portion of the date, Ben apologizes for the awkwardness of the day but toasts to a night “that will be beneficial for all”, something inherently impossible. He then brings one woman after another to a blue couch to ask why they were standoffish earlier that day and then make out.

Leah does some quick math, which results in her deciding to throw Lauren B.land under the bus to lower the numbers against her. She tells Ben that Lauren B.land is different in the house than with him: “I don’t like drama and I don’t want to like, say names but I think it’s the one person that you have the strongest connection with.” The producers loop in her saying, “Lauren B.” What a classic drama-hater, trying to take down the front-runner in a Hail Mary.

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But she’s blonde, a flight attendant, and her name rhymes with Bauren Lushnell.

Ben confronts Lauren B.land about it, upsetting her. He says, “This gets in my head and I don’t know what to do about it.” Lauren B.land describes this as the “worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.”

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I didn’t think I’d ever feel worse than the time my Dad’s lawn suffered a drought tho.

Lauren B.land then addresses the women and Leah blatantly lies to her face about it.

I’d never be the type of person to say, “I don’t like drama but this one girl is totally different in the house than she is with you and she’s the one you have the strongest connection with” or whatevs that Benedict Arnold ho said.

Ben gives the rose to safe choice Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda. Leah is happy that she thwarted Lauren B.land in this round but she decides that tonight she’s going to have to do something more extreme and double down on her throwing-Lauren B.-under-the-bussing.

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Amanda keeps bizarrely stroking Twin Emily’s arm as the girls attempt to sleuth out who the traitor was.

Leah’s Extreme Plan consists of sneaking into Ben’s hotel room, further shit-talking Lauren B.land, and therefore sharing none of her “special self” with Ben except her quality of tattling on girls she’s jealous of. She says, “I don’t want to sit here and talk bad things about Lauren but we see a lot more in the house than you do… Some of the things she does are catty.” I’m not sure Leah knows what “talking bad things” means. Ben dumps her on the spot.

Bye. Thanks for that insider info though, ya dummy.

Olivia and Twin Emily’s Two-on-One Date

When Twin Emily and Olivia find out they’re on the two-on-one date, Olivia says, “Emily and I are the same age and I’m going to feel like her Mom tomorrow. Like babysitting my daughter.”

Mom birds don’t give a shit. Mom birds shove daughter birds out of the nest.

Olivia is incredibly excited while Twin Emily feels like she’s going into battle. Olivia: “I’m just giddy today because this is kind of my first almost one-on-one with the man I know I’m going to marry. We’ve been writing our love story this whole time and it’s been beautiful.” I think she’s definitely the first contestant to categorize the dreaded two-on-one as an “almost one-on-one”.

Twin Emily: “This two-on-one is honestly a lot of pressure, because I’m going on to fight, you know, this battle for everyone that hates Olivia just as much as I do.” Pretty sure it’s impossible for someone to hate Olivia as much as she does.

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Twin Emily pulled out “All the Stops”, her trusty pink tasseled bikini.

They get to the beach and Ben pulls Olivia first. Olivia tells Ben: “I’m very grounded. I’m very, like, in tune with my body… I’m really strong. I’m really confident… Deep intellectual things are my jam.” Olivia is slightly less in tune with Ben’s body language when she tells him she loves him and gets an aunt’s greeting peck in return.

Kisses displaying “all-consuming, ever-present, constantly growing kind of love.” Definitely.

Twin Emily calling it: “I just hope that Ben will see that Olivia is just annoying and fake and not the girl for him… I’m sure she’s being her typical Olivia, just bragging about herself. Olivia, Olivia, Olivia."I live for you, I long for you, Olivia.

This is what I imagine Ben does with his hands during sex.

Emily gives a very impassioned speech about all the shit she hasn’t done and how she wants to make sure Ben is physically present when she finally does all that shit. “I know that I have a lot of growth and stuff in front of me but I want you to experience that with me and watch me grow. There’s still so much life to experience and I want you there for those things that I experience.” Like moving out of my Mom’s house, not calling my twin sister every five seconds, and hearing a joke more offensive than “You’re like Teen Mom.”

Ben brings Olivia to the other side of the beach while holding the rose and then dumps her. She then has to stand there alone, sobbing, during this island storm watching Ben give the rose to Twin Emily. Emily and Ben get in a boat and ride away. A helicopter circles around Olivia standing alone on the island, filming her sadness.

IS THIS ALSO YOUR JAM, OLIVIA?!

If anyone is as sad as me about this development, there’s this.

Rose Ceremony #2

A storm is a brewin’ while the ladies prepare for the cocktail party. Lauren B.land: “Holy Moly!” Becca: “It’s almost like the weather has predicted this whole week.” Becca is this girl.

Chris Harrison enters: “I know I’m not exactly the man you were hoping or expecting to see.” Certainly not true for me, I’m loving the drama. Ben has cancelled the cocktail party, throwing a wrench into all the women’s last ditch efforts to win him over.

Ben dumps Soccer-Mom-Lauren H and she’s devastated.

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But I already got us matching sideline chairs!

Scenes from next week: EVERYONE IS CRYING!!!!! MOSTLY BEN!! Praise thee Lord Harrison!

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Delicate Ben’s final form

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