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April 29, 2015

Gordon Ramsay is totally against cannibalism. With that in mind, here's his favorite way to prepare "pork tenderloin."

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Greetings foodies! Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay here. I think we can all agree that cannibalism is disgusting and immoral. Human life is sacred and succulent human flesh should never EVER be consumed, no matter how much of your enemy’s strength you want to absorb.

With that quote now clearly on the record, here is my favorite way to cook “pork tenderloin”!

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Yum! “Pork!” Let’s get cooking!

Step 1) Find yourself some nice “pork tenderloin.” This could come from a “pig” you really hate or even one you’ve never met that just looks so delicious you can’t help but run him over with your car. Remember, we’re just talking about normal “pigs” here. You know, these guys:

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Just your everyday, normal “pig.”

Step 2) Pay a trustworthy “butcher” to cut up the freshly slaughtered “pig” you’ve got on your hands. Make sure to have him remove the yummy “pork tenderloin” as well as any identifying features such as the face, “hoofprints,” and teeth. He’ll know what to do.

Step 3) Bury the leftover “pig” scraps deep in the woods where no one will ever find them. You don’t want some nosy kid stumbling on all those yucky “pork” parts, do you?

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Bury those “pig” scraps nice and deep to keep the busybodies away!

Step 4) Trim the “pork tenderloin” with a sharpened knife. Cut off all connective tissue and fat. You want your “pork tenderloin” to be nice and lean. Feel free to mutter insults to the meat throughout this step. You must let it know that you and only you are the cause of its cruel fate. You are its master now.

Step 4) Season or marinate the “pork.” You’ll find that “pig” flesh can have a weird flavor on its own. Texture-wise, “pork” is kind of a cross between chicken and beef, but it has a gamey aftertaste (especially if the “pig” was a smoker). But you know that! We’re just talking about normal “pig” meat here!

  • To marinate: Place the “pork” in a gallon Ziploc bag with the marinade. Let sit for two hours before grilling.
  • To apply a dry rub: Use your fingers to gently massage your spice mixture into the “pork.” I know this may feel a little weird, especially if you happened to be close with the “pig” you’re eating, but it’s the best way to work the flavors into the meat.

Step 4) Place the “pork tenderloin” on the grill over a drip pan, with the fattiest side facing up. Place the cover on the grill.

Step 5) Many people say to grill your “pork tenderloin” until it reaches an internal temperature of 155°F (about 30 minutes). But I’ve always found that “pig” meat is best when it’s extremely rare. That way it’s still nice and bloody and you can absorb more of the “pig’s” strength. Grill it for about a minute and you should be good to go.

Step 6) Eat with your bare hands in the nearest temple of Kragdool, the Three-Horned Goat Beast and One True God. Feel your power increase with each greasy gob of mutilated “pork tenderloin” you stuff down your gullet. Don’t forget to leave a little “pork” behind as an offering to Kragdool! :)

Step 7) Be sure to lick your fingers. There’s a lot of yummy “pig” juices there you don’t want to miss!

Step 8) Savor this moment. You have won. The “pig” who was once your enemy is now dead and his (or her!) flesh has been torn asunder by your gnashing fangs to be ultimately shat out like the human garbage it always was. And by “human garbage” I’m obviously speaking figuratively. The “pig” was human garbage. And you are a God.

Step 9) Don’t forget to clean up! A clean kitchen is a happy kitchen!