Whether you’re at the bar, the board meeting, or the bris, standing in line for the bathroom is all but inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be a solitary or fruitless experience! Here’s how to initiate connections with your fellow linemates and make those relationships last. All you need to do is ask yourself what your goals are, and then proceed with gusto (and a smile)!


Forming Your Fecal Friendship

  • One of the best ways to make friends is to find people who share your interests, so if you’re waiting in line for the same thing that’s a very good sign indeed. Try asking an adjacent stander what their favorite thing about your common interest (the bathroom) is!
  • Win over your line partners’ smiles with a joke, or two, or three: “Pee much?” "#1 or #2?” “Boy, whoever’s in there is sure taking a long time. Hope they didn’t fall in, that’d be bad!!!"
  • If you’re in line before a potential new bud, clean off the toilet seat and spray a little perfume. First impressions on all five senses are important!
  • If you’re in line after someone, be sure to get their number so you can send them a text while you’re on the toilet. “You left it feeling really nice in here, great meeting you!"

Landing Your Lavatory Lover

  • Dress to impress. Even if you’re at the grossest dive in the city, you never know what hottie will be waiting to take a pizz, so be sure to look your best.
  • Keep the conversation light, with an air of mystery. If they try the “#1 or #2?” line on you, answer with a flirty laugh—you’re not telling!
  • Stay afterwards and chat. Some conversation starters: the T.P. roll, the soap dispenser…if you’re feeling especially risky, try talking about something other than the bathroom, like local ordinances on the roadside sale of animals.
  • Courteous is the new cute! Offer to let them go to the bathroom at the same time as you.
  • Public restrooms are a cool place to kiss but how do you keep the spark alive long after you’ve finished peeing? Add them on Snapchat, the #1 app for living in the moment and exchanging toilet pix with your crush.

Closing The Deal—And Then The Stall Door

  • When you first arrive in line, try talking to everyone in the queue so you can assess whose LinkedIn endorsement might offer the most leverage to your career.
  • Bring extra copies of your resume in case the line is longer than you think. Don’t forget the people coming out of the bathroom who you might have missed while they were waiting!
  • When networking, persistence is important—go to the bathroom early and often. Sometimes you might not even have to "go," but grab a spot in the line anyways, and drink lots of water.
  • Research before heading to the bathroom line. Have a clear understanding of who you are, why you’re there, and what you can bring to the table, oops, I mean line!

Which Lines Are Best For Forming Relationships? It’s Good That You Asked!

  • Women’s lines tend to move slower, giving you more time to form a forever bond with those around you. Stand in the women’s line, even if you aren’t a woman.
  • If the bathroom is in a cramped area, like the back of a busy bar or under a trap door in the secret attic room in the seminary, you will get to stand closer to your line mates, which is to your advantage! Proximity is important in making new friends or business associates.
  • Probably the best b-room line for forming a professional relationship is the b-room line at the office of the job you are interviewing for. If you witness anyone in the office heading toward the bathroom, make a beeline for the same destination so you can get in a good word with them.

Making An Enemy

  • Cut someone in line, or worse, have your friend back-cutsy you. You monster, what's your freaking problem?

Illustration by Alabaster Pizzo

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