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Published February 23, 2013

WEARABLE TECH GADGETS. An open letter to Sergey Brin.

Putting sensors and mini computers into clothes and accessories is THE NEXT FRONTIER, says Google co-founder Sergey Brin (LAT 21 Feb).

I think you should hire me, Sergey, so I can save your company from some big mistakes. For example, the

WRIST WATCH which reads out text messages aloud. No. No. No. Imagine Nicole Kidman giving an interview and suddenly her watch goes: “Sorry to hear that your new face doesn’t move, Nicole. Will schedule corrective surgery.” Sergey, listen up: I want a watch with SILENT text messages. Or maybe just a really big wrist band for my cell phone. Then there is the

JACKET that heats up when you are cold. Okay, but what if the guy sitting next to me at the conference table has a wrist watch that reads out text messages aloud, and it bleats: That menopausal bitch is having hot flashes again! Sergey, please: Instead of going hot or cold, could my jacket change shape so I can stay in fashion? I’d really appreciate that. As for

EYEGLASSES that display directions. Meh. Yes, my brain is deteriorating, Sergey, but my problem is forgetting people’s names. So, instead of directions, could I see the name of my conversation partner displayed on his forehead?

Tech gadgets “can be transformative for your lifestyle,” you say. “That’s our job at Google X.” Sergey, I love you! I was getting so tired of working on my lifestyle, but now I can let Google take over. Or get

Fitbit Wireless ACTIVITY TRACKER, which helps people lead healthier lives. And, I assume, will read out text messages like: Stop pigging out now, you swine! Or: Heart attack alert! Stop that filthy sex act now!

But before all that can happen, developers say, they’ll have to improve battery life. Or you might find yourself suddenly directionless, like a snowboarder with

Jump analytics on a HEAD-MOUNTED DISPLAY – sexy word BTW, no? Just imagine the poor sucker is up in mid-air and the battery in his jump analytics device goes dead. How will he get down to earth? Oh, right. Built-in gravity! Whew.

Developers are also working on a

Smartphone app that lets you locate and track friends. You mean I can track ALL my Facebook friends? Or just the ones whose jacket changes temperature when I approach?

But as Intel’s USER EXPERIENCE RESEARCHER Cory Booth admits: There is always the risk of overcomplicating things. Cory, you’ve made my day! I’ve done USER EXPERIENCE RESEARCH all my life. Thanks to you, I now understand that this is a career. As I said,

 SERGEY, HIRE ME. I’ve found my calling!

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