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October 28, 2008


Nashville, Tenn. (AP) The two white supremacists accused of plotting to assassinate presidential candidate Barack Obama were extremely disorganized, and so dumb it is a surprise they were drawing air, say federal law enforcement agents close to the case. What's more, their scheme suffered from ill-conceived theatrics including half-baked costumes, an incompetent execution strategy with no follow-through, poor planning and what police say was a "really half-assed" political message.

"I've got to tell you, in all my years, I have yet to see a more atrocious and frankly stupid duo," said a federal agent who asked not to be named. "I used to think the movie Dumb and Dumber was really far-fetched. My skin is really crawling at how stupid these two were. It makes me cold."

Among the other things the suspects Paul Schlesselman and Dan Cowert had allegedly planned was to carry out their dastardly deed dressed top to bottom in tuxedos and top hats.

"All I can say is, 'concept overload,'" said local theater director Wayne Smitty.

"I don't know about you, but the frog in the Warner Brothers cartoons trying to assassinate somebody comes to mind," said an FBI source. "It's just too surreal."

Another big mistake, say authorities, was for the alleged plotters to "draw Swastikas on the side of their car and brag to all their friends 'We're going to kill Barack Obama and 88 other black people.' Maybe they realize now that was a stupid move."

"I'm no scientist," said Travis Country Sheriff Buck Donohue. "But most master criminals might tell you it's wiser to be a little bit circumspect if you're going to plot a big crime. Telling everybody you're going to do it beforehand when you're all out at Pizza Hut is pretty ass-backward. That's rule No. 1."

Among other problems, the conspirators were extremely disorganized. The plot several times broke up because the two men failed in practice robberies—one in which a dog scared them away.

"They can't even outwit a dog," said Dr. Stephen Hawking. "This is a big step back for all of us."

"There's a saying we have in business," said Marvin Pietre, a group leader at IBM, "Prior planning prevents poor performance. Frankly, though, I think that kind of reasoning would be lost on these two, the kind of guys who would bite their own hands off to get out of a bear trap."

Scientists agree that something was terribly wrong with the two plotters.

"The human brain has been expanding over millions of years and now takes up one-fifth of the energy of the entire human body," said evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. "I have nothing to say about these two people."

Schlesselman, who dropped out of high school, was often known to go into chat rooms and write, "Me and my friends are 'racist's.'"

"He doesn't even know how to properly use an apostrophe," said local high school English teacher Beth McGreedy. "I mean, is it really likely he was going to be able to map out Obama's campaign routes? We're not talking about a sophisticated international group like in Die Hard here."

McGreedy agreed with Hawking.

"I've been  sitting up all night trying to think like a stupid person and for the life of me I can't figure out where the tuxedos came in. Just trying to crawl into these two criminals' minds for two minutes has left me feeling cold and alienated from other human beings."

"This is probably the greatest hope we have that maybe the people in this country who are so consumed with evil and hatred might also be thwarted by their own mind-boggling stupidity," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "We'll just have to cross our fingers."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog: