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Published October 14, 2013

 

The daily blend of physical and emotional obstacles can be quite a lot if you think about it, love, hate, happiness, worries and relationships (or lack of).

 

Lets take a look at giraffes.

 

Guy giraffes don’t get friend zoned. And girl giraffes aren’t passive aggressive to each other. How would that even go? “ Wow Kate, I love how you can put nothing on your hoofs and still have confidence.” Skinny hot girl giraffes aren’t bitches so they don’t ask why they always get free stuff or why everyone is so nice to them. They know why. And they don’t ever ever fly with high heels.

 

No rouge giraffe nations threaten nuclear war and no disturbing child giraffe twerking. Giraffes don’t have friends that rate life based on their amount of likes on Instagram or pretend not to pose and do duck lips every time someone takes out their phone. Also, there is relatively little social stigma for gay giraffes. (That one is especially true).

 

And who the hell would care if a giraffe got high?! Do they have a job or people to answer too? They don't. Don't be like "Oh maybe they have that job by the mechanic..." They can't have jobs because they don't have thumbs.

 

Now snakes.

 

Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden and Eve tells Adam "I'm going out to pick fruit." It’s weird that Adam let his naked wife go alone on a walk and they just met that day! She meets a snake that convinces her to have a forbidden fruit orgy and they all got banished and a punishment. Adam has to work for his bread. Eve, child labor. And the snake loses his legs and has to slither around forever.

 

In the bible the snake could talk, and that’s obvious. You think Eve would violate the one commandment from God without words being exchanged? So snakes used to be able talk and reason and now nobody gives a damn. We research dinosaurs and the origins of the universe but never why snakes are now speechless (literally). Pretty big flaw for a nation that has shows like Myth Busters dedicated to this kind of stuff. Then again most citizens can name more Kardashians then senators so I guess I’m not surprised.

 

I’ll stop because whenever I’m condescending I always remind myself “you still think the TV show Suits is a realistic portrayal of lawyers and your only real dream is that Kimye’s baby, Anthony Weiner, Katherine Webb, Amanda Bynes and Dennis Rodman should star in a PBS show “Chaos with Crayons” (hosted by Russell Brand).

 

I hope you’re getting me. Not in a therpisty way, in a cool stranger on the subway way. Like when you wonder why this rambling shoeless genius doesn’t have at least a podcast and then he mentions he was arrested for molesting a burrito and Obama is for sure from Kenya and you realize “Ooh he’s not eccentric, he’s a crazy person and smells like sewage.” I’m aware I juxtaposed myself to creepy subway people but no one stops listening to them. Partly because you’re scared they’ll turn violent but also because you pity them. My strength is in the latter. My body of a 14-year-old vegetarian precludes productive violence.

 

In conclusion, be a giraffe and figure out why snakes only speak to Harry Potter.

 

 

 

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