Stupid Pet Tricks
Hanover, NH - Bernard, curled up in front of the fireplace in the cottage he shares with a Dartmouth College physics professor, insists he only wants to expose the truth about Letterman’s Stupid Pet Tricks - and denies it has anything to do with Leno promising to take him for a ride in every one of his 1,046 cars.
Bernard relaxing at home with non tenured roomate.
“The professor taught me this little routine that I’d sometimes perform at faculty get-togethers,” Bernard begins. “Apparently someone videoed it, sent it to The Late Show - and next thing I know I’m in the green room with an over bred Yorkie that growls, “I love you!” (You hear what you want to hear) and a cat and a hamster who were doing some schmaltzy Christmas shtick...And, oh yeah, there was this lizard running around trying to sell everyone car insurance.
Bernard sighs, laps a little Chardonnay from his bowl, “I was mortified! I wanted to leave, but the professor said to stick it out – promised my trick would give dogs a better image than their current one of scrambling around the kitchen floor chasing a laser spot.
WHAT YOU NEVER SAW ON TV! - Shortly after Santi & Claws appeared on Letterman, Claws killed Santi and ate (most of) him. Photo Courtesy: SCAR (Society for the Prevention of Crimes Against Rodents.)
No captions necessary
So, while I’m waiting offstage the show is going on and I’m watching this bungling parade of political patronage and nepotism. First, a Pit Bull with lipstick comes out and we’re supposed to think its Sara Palin’s dog. That was followed by a Chihuahua who, after they set Letterman’s hairpiece on fire, tried to jump through the gap in Dave’s teeth. After that, this squirrel came on who was actually quite intelligent, but all Letterman did was make jokes about his nuts.
Bernard pauses to lick a bit of Brie off his Milk Bone. “Finally, it was my turn. So, I waited while the professor shaped the pile of baking soda into a cone. Then, he poured the vinegar on, the volcano erupted and the audience oooohed! and ahhhed...
Finally, the professor gives me the signal and I stood up, lifted my leg and extinguished the volcano by…can I say this?”
Bernard claims he doesn’t regret his brief moment in the spotlight, but is now content to lead a quiet life in academia, amusing himself by secretly dissecting cats and watching the professor send inappropriate text messages to underage coeds.
COMING UP ON CBS AFTER LETTERMAN
Dog Spam From Nigeria