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Well folks, Draft Kings did it! It finally made everything in my life just … make sense, ya know?

I saw a bunch of commercials for the dang thing a while ago, so I logged on and played and now everything in my life has been fixed! And I owe it all to the constantly running Draft Kings commercials that tempted me into betting the house (a two story Cape Cod on a sleepy street in Danbury, Connecticut that took me 20 years to pay off) on daily fantasy sports.

Let me paint you a picture of how my life was going pre being inundated with Draft-Kings marketing that convinced me to gamble a LOT of money on daily fantasy sports:

1. My wife Claire, whom I love and respect deeply, had been silently questioning our marriage and her worth as a woman due to my lack of interest in spending any time with her and my inability to achieve and maintain an erection while in bed with her.

2. My three handsome sons Jacob, William, and Bruce Jr. never listened to me, nicknamed me “GP” (for Giant Pussy) and laughed at me viciously when I would trip and fall. Like not in a fun look-at-dad way. More of a we-truly-want-you-to-feel-bad way.

And 3. I had trouble spending any time alone without at least a six pack of beer and a blaring TV to distract me from thoughts of jumping out of our living room window and onto our unpaved driveway to end this slow boring drive to death.

That’s when Draft Kings came along and saved my life!

You have to understand that I’ve struggled with a crippling gambling addiction my whole life. After spending my five “lost” years after college living in Las Vegas and literally sucking dicks for casino chips, my cousin Jack, who was the only family that didn’t disown me due to not paying back thousands of dollars that I owed them, dragged me off the Las Vegas strip and back to Connecticut. There, I met my wife and raised a family all thanks to living in a place where I could escape the constant allure of high stakes gambling.

Then a few months ago, after seeing at least a dozen Draft Kings and Fan Duel ads in the course of three innings of a baseball game, I tricked my wife into giving me the password to our home computer, created a Draft Kings account, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I lost half a million dollars in the first month I played daily fantasy baseball. But I knew that was all bullshit. Jay Bruce couldn’t go 0 for 18 EVERY week. I hid the lost money from Claire by claiming my mother needed a “hip procedure” and my dad’s military insurance wouldn’t pay for it.

While Claire was distracted by launching a surprisingly successful online campaign to get the U.S. government to give better insurance to our nation’s veterans, I started pawning some of our lesser used furniture and forced my sons to get jobs at the Dairy Queen so they could bring home free food and I could save money to fuel my daily fantasy gambling habit.

I knew I was better at gambling on football, so I couldn’t wait for this past weekend. I stole Bruce Jr.’s school-issued laptop (I had thrown our home computer into the kitchen sink after Clayton Kershaw gave up three first inning runs to the Giants, losing me $7,000 in the span of 20 minutes), created 30 new accounts across all of the daily fantasy sites I’d been hearing about on TV and on billboards and on every sports related website on the internet, and I pumped $100,000 into my Week 1 lineup.

That’s when Draft Kings answered all of my prayers!

I won! I won it all, baby. One million smackers. And now I’m invincible! I bought back all the furniture, Claire never found out the fib I told about my mom (I finally had money to pay a nurse to push my mom down the stairs so she would develop real “hip issues”) and I keep the giant check they gave me in the corner of my bedroom to make sure I can get rock hard boners at a moment’s notice!

And my sons? My beautiful, handsome, strong young boys who used to heckle me and my two left feet? I shipped them off to military school and now they call me ‘sir’ in the letters that they write me begging to come home.

So, thank you Draft Kings. Thank you for giving me a way to legally gamble, win one million dollars, and make all of my dreams come true. You fixed everything.

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