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August 28, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie reportedly turned down Mitt Romney's offer to be vice president because he thinks he'll lose. And if there's anything Chris Christie hates, it's losing. Elections...football games...weight...

Since making his controversial comments about rape, Todd Akin is down 10 points against Senate incumbent Claire McCaskill. Analysts say he really needs a bump, which is something women don't get from being raped.

The 3D versions of "Star Wars" Episode II and III have been given release dates. That way people will know what they're not doing on those days.

A report from Yellowstone National Park says grizzly bears and black bears are not attracted to the scent of menstruating women. Said researchers, "Unless, of course, you store menstruating women in picnic baskets."

Former Florida Republican Gov. Charlie Crist will be speaking at the Democratic National Convention next week. Crist says he wants to finally be on the winning side that acts like it's losing.

U.S. companies made $66.3 billion in international weapons sales last year, tripling what they made in 2010. Thankfully a lot of countries feel they need to protect themselves against the U.S.

"Terminator 2" star Eddie Furlong reportedly got mugged in Los Angeles. Furlong said all they took were his clothes, his boots, and his motorcycle.

The Taliban beheaded 17 Afghan civilians for attending a music event. Still more humane than what U2 concertgoers have to put up with.

It was just announced that Rosie O'Donnell got quietly married in June. In related news, the makers of Koosh balls had a fantastic June.

Experts are becoming nervous over Tropical Storm Isaac's resemblance to Hurricane Katrina when it started. Especially since white people were just beginning to care about New Orleans.

In related news, Lynyrd Skynyrd canceled its performance at the GOP convention due to Tropical Storm Isaac. For whatever reason, flying in a storm really makes them nervous.

Over the weekend, the documentary "2016: Obama's America" beat out "Hope Springs" at the box office. Meanwhile "Irony" just keeps raking it in.

Former South Carolina Gov. Jim Sanford is engaged to the Argentinian woman he secretly met with while in office. He made the announcement by saying he was going to be hiking in the Appalachians for the rest of his life.