With the recent passing of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, many from the right are calling for Obama to hold off nominating a new Supreme Court justice until we have a new president, saying the American people should decide with their vote this November. That begs the question: Is there a perfect time to nominate a justice? We’ll try to figure that out by listing the bad times first:
WHEN IT’S NOT A GOOD TIME FOR A PRESIDENT TO NOMINATE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE:
First Week in Office: President should not make any decisions until he figures out the quirks of the White House thermostat.
Second Week in Office: President should rest after a week of moving all that furniture.
First Six Months of First Term: Take time to get settled, meet everyone, and figure out if anyone checks which websites he visits during work.
First Week Of Every Year: President should be focused on cleaning up the White House after the annual Eyes Wide Shut–themed New Years party.
January: Can’t bother people with that shit when everyone is getting their year started.
Groundhog Day: We’re thinking about gophers, not justices, come on.
February 11: This is Jennifer Aniston’s birthday, so …
President’s Day: It’s his day to just relax.
March: Ever since Caesar, it’s a bad-luck month for rulers.
March 11: It’s 311 day, bro, he should be listening to Transistor with his buds.
March 15–April 5: All presidential efforts must be focused on his or her March Madness bracket.
St. Patrick’s Day: Too drunk.
Last week of March and First Two Weeks of April: Cherry blossom season in D.C. Just let people enjoy the trees, come on.
April 1: People might think it’s an April Fools goof.
April 15: President’s doing his taxes and so are we.
April 20: Too high.
April 21: Still too high.
April 22: Not high anymore but it’s best to have a day for buffer before the president starts doing work again.
Last Friday in April: People might think it’s an Arbor Day Fools goof.
All of April: Between April Fools goofs and Arbor Day Fools goofs, better to not nominate any justices in April at all, just to avoid confusion.
Late May–Early June: Big time for graduations, which the President may have to speak at or go to celebratory backyard BBQs for — either way, too distracting.
The week of July 4th: Too much planning going into America’s birthday. It’ll be too distracting.
August: Too hot.
First Week of September: The new season of Judge Judy premieres and it wouldn’t be fair to the judicial community to turn attention away from their biggest star.
September 11: Would you want to be nominated on 9/11? I mean, c’mon.
September 17: Last good day to go to the beach before it’s too cold out.
October 31: Too spooky.
November 11: If you nominate someone on 11/11 at 11:11 a.m. or p.m., it might be confused for a wish.
Black Friday: People will think you only nominated that justice because he or she was on sale.
December: Senators are home for the holidays and just trying to keep up the facade of a happy home front. They don’t need this added stress.
12 Days of Christmas: New justice could interfere with the SCOTUS Secret Santa assignments.
Last Six Months of Term: President should be catching up on sleep.
Year Two: Need to set aside two weeks for the Summer Olympics.
Year Four: Need to set aside two weeks for the Winter Olympics.
Year Six: Need to set aside two weeks for the Summer Olympics.
Year Eight: Need to set aside two weeks for the Winter Olympics.
The Third of Every Month: President needs a day to do laundry, that’s obvious.
All of Year Four: Running for re-election.
All of Year Eight: Senior Slide, we can all see it.
The Month of Sebuary: It’s not a real month.
Whenever it’s the Chinese year of the Ox, Rat, Goat, Cat, Koala, Tiger, or Shrimp: Bad luck.
When Mercury Is in Retrograde: For chrissakes, no one should do anything when Mercury is in fucking retrograde.
Fridays: Anything President does will probably be rushed so everyone can get outta there for the weekend.
Mondays: Usually takes the whole day to catch up on news and emails from the weekend.
Thursdays: Throwback Thursday is no time for NEW justices.
National Friends Day: Unnominated friends will be very jealous, and that’s a dick move on NFD.
Pilot Season: America’s actors need to concentrate on landing roles, not who is being put in the country’s highest court.
When the silver moon shines bright upon a wintry knoll, and the wind howls sharp between the land’s deep chasms. Then, no justice shall be appointed: Pretty sure that means full moons.
WHEN IT IS A GOOD TIME FOR A PRESIDENT TO NOMINATE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE:
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2031, from 9:15–9:42 a.m. EST.