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February 16, 2016
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The GOP is saying that it's too late in Obama's presidency to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Is there ever a good time to do it?

With the recent passing of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, many from the right are calling for Obama to hold off nominating a new Supreme Court justice until we have a new president, saying the American people should decide with their vote this November. That begs the question: Is there a perfect time to nominate a justice? We’ll try to figure that out by listing the bad times first:

WHEN IT’S NOT A GOOD TIME FOR A PRESIDENT TO NOMINATE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE:

First Week in Office: President should not make any decisions until he figures out the quirks of the White House thermostat.

Second Week in Office: President should rest after a week of moving all that furniture.

First Six Months of First Term: Take time to get settled, meet everyone, and figure out if anyone checks which websites he visits during work.

First Week Of Every Year: President should be focused on cleaning up the White House after the annual Eyes Wide Shut–themed New Years party.

January: Can’t bother people with that shit when everyone is getting their year started.

Groundhog Day: We’re thinking about gophers, not justices, come on.

February 11: This is Jennifer Aniston’s birthday, so …

President’s Day: It’s his day to just relax.

March: Ever since Caesar, it’s a bad-luck month for rulers.

March 11: It’s 311 day, bro, he should be listening to Transistor with his buds.

March 15–April 5: All presidential efforts must be focused on his or her March Madness bracket.

St. Patrick’s Day: Too drunk.

Last week of March and First Two Weeks of April: Cherry blossom season in D.C. Just let people enjoy the trees, come on.

April 1: People might think it’s an April Fools goof.

April 15: President’s doing his taxes and so are we.

April 20: Too high.

April 21: Still too high.

April 22: Not high anymore but it’s best to have a day for buffer before the president starts doing work again.

Last Friday in April: People might think it’s an Arbor Day Fools goof.

All of April: Between April Fools goofs and Arbor Day Fools goofs, better to not nominate any justices in April at all, just to avoid confusion.

Late May–Early June: Big time for graduations, which the President may have to speak at or go to celebratory backyard BBQs for — either way, too distracting.

The week of July 4th: Too much planning going into America’s birthday. It’ll be too distracting.

August: Too hot.

First Week of September: The new season of Judge Judy premieres and it wouldn’t be fair to the judicial community to turn attention away from their biggest star.

September 11: Would you want to be nominated on 9/11? I mean, c’mon.

September 17: Last good day to go to the beach before it’s too cold out.

October 31: Too spooky.

November 11: If you nominate someone on 11/11 at 11:11 a.m. or p.m., it might be confused for a wish.

Black Friday: People will think you only nominated that justice because he or she was on sale.

December: Senators are home for the holidays and just trying to keep up the facade of a happy home front. They don’t need this added stress.

12 Days of Christmas: New justice could interfere with the SCOTUS Secret Santa assignments.

Last Six Months of Term: President should be catching up on sleep.

Year Two: Need to set aside two weeks for the Summer Olympics.

Year Four: Need to set aside two weeks for the Winter Olympics.

Year Six: Need to set aside two weeks for the Summer Olympics.

Year Eight: Need to set aside two weeks for the Winter Olympics.

The Third of Every Month: President needs a day to do laundry, that’s obvious.

All of Year Four: Running for re-election.

All of Year Eight: Senior Slide, we can all see it.

The Month of Sebuary: It’s not a real month.

Whenever it’s the Chinese year of the Ox, Rat, Goat, Cat, Koala, Tiger, or Shrimp: Bad luck.

When Mercury Is in Retrograde: For chrissakes, no one should do anything when Mercury is in fucking retrograde.

Fridays: Anything President does will probably be rushed so everyone can get outta there for the weekend.

Mondays: Usually takes the whole day to catch up on news and emails from the weekend.

Thursdays: Throwback Thursday is no time for NEW justices.

National Friends Day: Unnominated friends will be very jealous, and that’s a dick move on NFD.

Pilot Season: America’s actors need to concentrate on landing roles, not who is being put in the country’s highest court.

When the silver moon shines bright upon a wintry knoll, and the wind howls sharp between the land’s deep chasms. Then, no justice shall be appointed: Pretty sure that means full moons.

WHEN IT IS A GOOD TIME FOR A PRESIDENT TO NOMINATE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE:

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2031, from 9:15–9:42 a.m. EST.

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