So, the cat’s out of the bag. I don’t love America. In fact, I hate America more than anything, and I’ll stop at nothing to destroy it. And I would have gotten away with it if former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani hadn’t figured me out!

All that time spent plotting and planning—wasted. Do you know how much you have to loathe the United States of America to become the president? It takes you your whole goddamn life! Seven years in Illinois state politics! Four years as a United States senator! Endless months spent campaigning and traveling across the country to win two presidential elections, not to mention untold diplomatic trips to nearly every country on the globe! And all because I hate America so, so much!

And what do I have to show for it? Now that Giuliani’s outed me for not loving America, I’m under the microscope! My every move will be analyzed and dissected by those sharp bastards over at Fox News. They already almost figured out that I hate America a few months ago when I accidentally saluted a Marine while holding a cup of coffee—imagine how bad they’re going to rake me over the coals if I start undermining America’s values and dismantling this toilet of a country piece-by-piece!

Even worse, Rudy hit the nail right on the head by saying I don’t love America because I wasn’t “brought up” like most Americans, presumably referring to the fact that I had a Muslim father from Africa. And then, right when I’m thinking, “ah-HA! He’ll get nailed for being a humongous racist!” But goddamn it if that wily sonuvabitch doesn’t immediately point out that my mother was WHITE, and because of that, he wasn’t being racist! AND THAT MAKES IT TOTALLY NOT RACIST!

I gotta hand it to him—he thought of everything. When he said I don’t love America, he knew he could make that shit stick and walk away smelling like roses. It just makes me so angry how good Rudy Giuliani looks right now, and how seriously everyone will take him from now on.

Whatever he did, it’s like the exact opposite of tarnishing his legacy.

Now what do I do? I have almost two years left in office, and I can’t do any of the destructive things I was going to do. I vastly improved the economy and the unemployment rate, but that was just so it would be that much more devastating when I finally tanked everything. I implemented universal healthcare, but that was just a plan to bankrupt the country and create a socialist hellscape. But it’s working out fine, and people have just as much freedom as they ever did, but now I can’t do anything about it! And I hate freedom almost as much as I hate America!

Well, it’s all a goddamn moot point, now. All I can hope for is that the next president doesn’t love you or this country even half as much as I don’t.

Fuck you, America.


No duh, Giuliani.