This week, the state of Alaska legalized recreational marijuana use. This is great news, especially for the state’s most famous residents, the Palins. They would make perfect stoners: They already love not working, making impulsive decisions, and spinning elaborate conspiracy theories. We are sure they will love marijuana when they try it for the very first time, especially if they follow this list of personalized recommendations we have compiled for them.
Sarah Palin Rec #1: Sour Diesel
When former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gets high, she needs a strain that will keep her energetic and focused, otherwise she might quit halfway through another term of public office. Sour Diesel is a stimulating sativa strain that will spur her creativity, so she can think of innovative new ways to call the president a foreigner. Have you ever looked at Obama’s birth certificate, man? I mean really looked at it?
Sarah Palin Rec #2: THC-infused white chocolate peppermint from Dixie Elixirs
Sarah Palin is a famously avid runner, so she may not want to inhale. No problem: She can still get a sweet buzz on with these delicious edibles. This peppermint deliciousness is perfect for Alaska native Sarah, since living in Alaska is probably like living in Christmas all the time. And it’s white, so she’ll know it’s not from Kenya.
Todd Palin Rec: OG Kush
Sarah Palin’s husband Todd is a championship snowmobile racer, so our guess is he has a friend or two who can make some recs. In any case, maybe he would enjoy the OG Kush strain, a sativa hybrid said to promote euphoria and relaxation — perfect for a man who has five children who are constantly getting in public brawls and starring on reality shows. It is spicy and pine-scented, much like the alpine forests of his beloved Alaska.
Bristol Palin Rec: Green Crack
Green Crack, named by Snoop Dogg, is a popular sativa strain known for an intense but short-lived high. Great choice for the single mom on the go who only has a few minutes to herself to get baked before heading to a bake sale. Plus, Green Crack is a great bang for your buck, and it’s never too early to start teaching sound financial habits to your kids.
Willow Palin Rec: White Widow
Willow Palin lives in Arizona, where marijuana is not legal. But the Palins are a close-knit clan so we are sure she will visit. Since she is the only one of the Palin children with a high-flying career (she is a proud graduate of hair school) she can afford drug paraphernalia, such as this GOP elephant bong. Willow should use it to smoke White Widow, which is perfect for a sensitive, intelligent young woman like her, who we always suspected had a great novel in her if she could just buckle down.
Track Palin Rec: Super Skunk
Eldest Palin child Track was a ringleader in the Palin-wide brawl at a family friend’s party last year. His muddled explanation to the cops included dozens of f-bombs. He also misspelled his own last name (“Papa, Alfa, Lima, India, Mike, Oscar” — Palimo) and affectionately said of his friend Mike, “Like, he’s not gonna fight nobody … Most innocent, basically a gay guy, but he’s not.” He punched at least four people.
Track Palin needs to calm the fuck down.
Super Skunk is a strong indica strain that “produces a relaxing effect all over the body,” according to leafly.com. Track could definitely use such an effect on all parts of his body, especially the punching parts.
Levi Johnston Rec: No Recommendation
Not technically a member of the Palin family, Levi Johnston is the father of Bristol Palin’s son Tripp. He once sued Bristol Palin for child support. He briefly had, and lost, a modeling contract. He planned to run for mayor of Wasilla until polling showed he was the least popular person in Alaska. He has a daughter named Breeze Beretta. We are confident he already knows plenty about marijuana.
Special thanks to Leafly.com, which was invaluable to our research.