Turn this way,
O … o … o … oooooonly look lower!
You have read …
One-sentence poem No. 3,245,637 – an excerpt from Greek bite-sized mini-legend No. ???? x 3.14: A line uttered by a sloppy-ass, speech-slurring drunken Zeus to Medusa after she has glassily, gleefully, gloweringly glared at her secret sugar pie stud Perseus and turned him to marble for cheating on her with Aphrodite, Zeus being hopeful that Medusa will glassily, gleefully, gloweringly glare at his crotch (where he has painted a bull’s-eye) because, even though he’s a god, well, his old “Mount Olympus” doesn’t stand so tall since he turned 450
As adapted by Ivan O’Uris
Background Notes: Some Ivan O’Uris scholars believe the above poem was inspired by an old Warner Bros. cartoon that pits Porky Pig against Medusa. Others believe Ivan was inspired to write it in late 2008 while listening to the song “Green Light” on a car radio after hearing Andre 3000 refer to Medusa in his rhyming. Both are inaccurate.
Ivan was actually inspired to write the above poem during a 2003 vacation in Greece. While in a bar in Athens, he struck up a conversation with Chuck Cropophilus. While drinking ouzo, Cropophilus told Ivan the aforementioned Greek bite-sized mini-legend, a.k.a., “The Tale of the Sloppy-Ass Drunk, Speech-Slurring Zeus Trying to Pick Up Greek Legends in Athens.”
According to the legend, Zeus was depressed about his floundering marriages and his growing problems with erectile dysfunction. One night, he went to Aphrodite’s Aphrodisiac, a neighborhood bar on his way home from work. While there, Medusa stormed in and confronted Aphrodite about an alleged affair with Perseus, who was her lover, not her enemy, as other myths have reported. “Thou ain’test fornicating with my Perseus no moreth!” she bellowed.
“Thou ain’test tellin’ me whoeth I canst screweth!” Aphrodite replied. “Besides, if thou wouldst goest down and pray to Perseus’ statue, perhaps thy man wouldn’t find it necessary to erect his statue in my temple!”
Medusa then challenged Aphrodite to a fight. Aphrodite obliged. Putting on a blindfold to avoid being turned to marble, she grabbed a club and began swinging wildly at Medusa, prompting all the men to duck under any nearby table.*
Unfortunately for Aphrodite, her blindfold fell off and she accidentally glimpsed at Medusa, so she turned to stone. Zeus, who was drunk on the floor behind Medusa, saw what happened, painted a makeshift bull’s-eye, put it over his crotch and uttered the line stated in the above poem (“Hey, ’dusa, turn this way, only look lower”).** Medusa looked at Zeus. As she did, Zeus realized that his “Mount Olympus” wasn’t the only body part that would become rock hard if she gawked at him and unsuccessfully tried to stop her, thus ending Zeus’ reign, but inspiring Dildopholous, the Greek god of erotic pleasure devices, to invent a pleasure device that has earned the gratitude of millions of women over the centuries.
After hearing Cropophilus’ story, Ivan adapted the above poem and gave it to Ivan O’Uris scholars E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney, who submitted it to Mutt Media LLC, which has published it here.
*Aphrodite’s attempts to swing at Medusa while blindfolded DID NOT inspire the invention of the piñata, as some Greek scholars have claimed.
**In a related note, Chuck Cropophilus tried Zeus’ ploy after telling Ivan the myth while attempting to pick up a Greek girl named Medusa in the bar. Although she glassily, gleefully, gloweringly glared at his crotch, it did not turn to stone. The next morning, however, he wished she had turned his body to stone, as he valiantly tried to subdue the aftereffects of drinking 13 glasses of ouzo.
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