The recently unveiled Hyperloop Express, a high-speed, electricity-fueled train, promises to revolutionize transportation across the country. With test pods planned for later this year and passenger trips planned for 2021, the train can move at speeds upwards of 800 miles an hour. To which I say: um, who cares? The only transportation project I’m interested in is one that will finally make the Hogwarts Express REAL.
Sure, this tube train seems pretty cool and fast, but do we really need another fast regular train? What about finally investing in an infrastructure that can take us straight to the heart of wizard world, baby? It’s such a muggle way of thinking to be like, “Let’s make things better in this realm.” Um, how ‘bout other realms, dawg? And yea, by other realms I specifically mean THE “Other Realm” from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. That would be pretty darn dope.
Anyway, back to Harry Potter. Call me when I can smash my body into the hard brick of platform 9 and ¾ without getting a concussion. Yea, I’ll probably keep doing it in the meantime, but it would be great if one day science made it possible for hard matter to rearrange itself to let me through to an incredible adventure of friendship.
I want a train that can take me to a place where you aren’t a “weirdo” for asking for directions to the Quidditch pitch. Where you aren’t a “freak” for petitioning your school for a Gryffindor frat. Where you aren’t a “a little off” for lining your bedroom floor to ceiling in pictures of Rupert Grint.
I want to have tea with Hagrid, manage mischief with Harry and Hermione, and maybe have sex with that headless horseman ghost because you know he’s a bad boy. Who the frick cares if I can get from Los Angeles to San Francisco in like thirty minutes when Hogsmeade is calling me? I NEED TO MEET SIRIUS BLACK, OKAY?
I know that the Hyperloop is technically the future of travel, an unbelievable technological achievement, very cool, blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. But science needs to focus on getting me to the fictional places from my favorite books and movies so I can live there full-time.
A technological development that can make my escapism an actual escape? Now that’s a train I’ll be happy to board.