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September 13, 2017

Seriously, what’s more likely: someone finding a magic genie or Paul Ryan growing a spine?

2017 is kind of like a class project and the teacher paired you with your archnemesis who is extremely hard to work with, and stubborn, and also hates Jews. Also your life depends on your grade. Also you might get nuked during your presentation. Okay this school is kind of fucked up tbh.

There’s no question that the country is divided. We’re not only on different pages, but completely different books. For instance, I’m reading Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. Others are reading books about how to join the KKK. Literally people are doing that. Kind of hard to believe that at one point Reese’s Puffs were considered controversial.

I have a lot of questions: How do we come together? Is that even a possibility? How do we move forward? Inside Out received six “Rotten” ratings on Rotten Tomatoes. If we can’t all agree on that being a fantastic movie, then I’m not sure what hope there is.

What’s more, it’s tough to have a conversation when truth and fact hold little weight. And yelling won’t get us anywhere.

So hear me out…

What if we just happened to stumble upon a magic genie? Given the way things have been going, I wouldn’t be shocked. Seriously, what’s more likely: Paul Ryan ever taking a stand or someone finding a magic genie? I’m not saying we should solely rely on this idea — of course not — but I wouldn’t hate if someone found a genie right now. I wouldn’t be mad if someone was looking for lamps in the Macy’s furniture section and accidently came across a magic one, then rubbed it (because who doesn’t rub their lamps) and a genie emerged, then that person used the
three wishes to:

1) Save the world

2) Turn Trump into a fish

3) Make Nature Valley granola bars less messy


We need to designate one person to be on the lookout for a magical lamp at all times. Kind of like how the Seeker goes after the Golden Snitch in Quidditch. You’re telling me that “democracy dies in the darkness” isn’t an obvious clue telling us to go look for a lamp? Ha ok. Did I just watch Aladdin? Yes, but I don’t see why that matters.

I get the hesitancy, a magic genie does sounds farfetched. That is until you realize that Alex Jones has an audience and then it’s like wow anything is possible lol. Fuck. I mean, if people can choose to not believe in climate change, I can certainly choose to believe in magic genies.

Let’s keep moving forward as usual — protest, don’t normalize, speak up, donate, make your racist relatives uncomfortable at Thanksgiving. But if you happen to come across a weird magical lamp, please, PLEASE don’t hesitate to selflessly use your wishes to save us from this never-ending nightmare.