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Published October 14, 2009

Jimbo’s World ISSUE #7: BOOT CAMP

In an earlier BLOG I indicated that a naked session in front of the mirror exposed some soft tissue issues with my 59 year old body. Indeed, there were areas of sag and lag, which in turn made me look like a bag of new potatoes: frumpy and lumpy. I decided, at that time, that the only way I was about to improve upon my profile (Picture Alfred Hitchcock in silhouette) was to embark on a radical fitness regimen.

Back in February, in another BLOG, (Wearing Your Pants like Hip-Waders) I mentioned how it seems as if my bulbous ass had been lopped off with a sharp sword. Then, adding insult to injury, all of those fat cells somehow migrated to the front of my body to produce a middle-aged protuberance. I mean, I see old guys at the mall whose pants droop at the back like empty backpacks, whilst their bellies bulge in rollovers of dramatic proportion. I don’t know how they walk without falling flat on their faces.

An African Canadian buddy of mine calls this, “White man’s disease!”


Well, Iguess I have a chronic case.

Anyway, you get the picture. I didn’t like what I saw and, as I had in every successive decade of my life, I instituted my own form of BOOT CAMP.

You see, past decades went something like this:

1970 and 1980’s – RUNNING:

 This old fart would run anywhere from 35 to 45 miles a week. At 40 he received the ultimate runners compliment when someone asked, “Have you been sick?” I was thin and svelte. Man, I was a lean, mean, running machine.

Then, at age 41, middle age walked up to me and punched me in the cajones. I folded like a tent.

I developed this weird allergy thing where I would break out in hives when I ran or got overheated (Picture Martin Short after the bee sting), I developed runner’s knee (Arthroscopic Surgery X2), had plantar fasciitis in both feet and life became so busy, there was little time to run.

1990’s-2005 –WALKING:

So, I took to the streets.

I forced myself to slow down and walk. This kept me in relatively good shape. Actually, for about ten years I was able to keep to a regimen of walking just about every day of the week. Then I turned 50. The walking sessions became fewer and far between. The metamorphosis was gradual, but the lean, mean machine transformed into something akin to a car wreck. Even the parts that worked were in far from good running order. For all intents and purposes, my get-up-and go, got up and went.

So now it’s 2009, I am but months away from my 60th birthday and the “shit has to hit the fan”. I knew I had to fight the "Battle of the Bulge" and I knew just how to do it!.

BOOT CAMP!

 Here is the program I designed for myself.

Jimbo’s BOOTCAMP 2009

WALKING 4 to 6 TIMES A DAY:

You may have seen my little video, “Waking the Human”. Well, part of my fitness plan is to walk “Pumba the Farting Dog” three times a day. The stooping to scoop part is getting better as my flexibility increases. We walk a park where the grade is an uphill marathon. Pumba’s little legs still pull me along like he’s dragging a cadaver.

Then, two or three times a day I walk around the 1 km block in our subdivision. I carry a stick to ward off the dogs. I call it my doggy suppository.

Did I mention that I power walk.

Oh, ya, I motor around that block at close to jogging speed. But, it’s getting so cold that I have to dress in layers. Sometimes I look like an Eskimo running away from a Polar Bear. My neighbors run for their doors when they see me coming! In a snowstorm someone had the audicity to suggest they had a BIGFOOT sighting.


Well kiss my hairy butt!

So far, I’ve walked 460 times since March. That's 450 more times than in 2008.

TIA CHI:

I picked up a CD by David Carradine. That’s right, the actor found dead with his nut sack in a knot.
 
The video actually is quite hilarious to watch. The participants, including David, wear workout gear that look like spacesuits. The music is new age, and they all look stoned. David talks in his Caine-like voice, espousing, “Come to me, come to me!”

No, thanks, David, I like my nuts just the way they are, safely ensconced in my BVD’s.

But, the exercises are turning out to be quite good. I feel I’m getting ripped under that comfortable layer of fat I carry. I claim my belly is a protective covering for my six-pack. (Well it’s more like a twelve pack.)

Sometimes, David will say, “Feel the CHI running through to your hand.” Well, David, this guy calls that pain and it's running through more than my hand!.

You know, I’ve scanned every video store and can’t find one workout video directed at a male audience. They all have voluptuous women on the cover wearing pink tights. My daughter lent me her yoga CD and all I kept looking for was a little more cleavage from the demonstrator. (Very distracting in a Boot Camp) And, do you know what? , it’s hard to do some of those poses when you’re aroused. I kept poking myself in the eye.

STAIR MASTER THINGY AND UNIVERSAL THING-A-MA-JIG:

Ya, I have both of them. Before I do the Tai-Chi workout I warm up on the machines. Sometimes I watch an episode of CSI while I go through the motions. I didn’t know watching CSI could be so tiring.

ISOMETRICS:   

I had this high school football coach that believed you could keep yourself looking buff with the muscle vs muscle approach. You’d push or pull one muscle against another muscle or against an immovable object. He’d stand in doorways while he taught, pushing on the door jams. He’d sit at his desk pulling up on the desktop or his chair. We all thought that he might be gay.

I’m afraid the only muscle I was working on in high school was my “Molson Muscle”. (Canadian inside joke) But, as I got older I often gave the technique a try.

As part of boot camp, before every shower and sometimes during, I pull one arm against the other or use a towel to provide the resistance. The problem is that we have a huge mirror in the bathroom. 

Flexed muscle, under dough-boy skin, does not provide a very impressive picture. I look like a naked Cabbage Patch doll. I can’t decide whether I’m building bigger pectorals or I’m developing man boobs. And, without my pants on, that rollover droops down like a mud mud flap.

EEEEEEWWWWWWW!

I BOUGHT A RESISTANCE CORD and INSTRUCTIONAL CD

The resistance cord is a piece of surgical latex cord with two handles attached at the ends. (NET COST OF MANUFACTURE: $4.00) I read the warning that latex may cause an allergic reaction, but a lifetime of safe-sex puts me at ease. Remember I only break out in hives when I run. (I sometimes claim that I’m allergic to exercise)

The video actually has a guy demonstrating and there’s a bonus; one of the followers looks older and less fit than me. The exercises are fairly simple and you do feel the burn in your muscles.

There are some drawbacks, however. You don’t want to let that handle slip out of your hand at full extension. One slip and my family jewels might just get gob-smacked.

"Honey, . . . . I shrunk the kids!"

CONCLUSION:

I’ve been walking for over six months and BOOTCAMPING it for the past 7 weeks. I’ve lost exactly three pounds.

You see, to every Ying there is a Yang. The consumption of alcohol, the availability of junk food, an unlocked refrigerator door and the like, are counterproductive to body reshaping. One look in the mirror and I can prove it to you.

My daughter had this to say. “Well, Dad, you know muscle weighs more than fat, and you’ve gained a lot of muscle.”

R.i.g.h.t. .!

Then, I complimented my nephew on Thanksgiving weekend by saying, “Boy, you look bigger, you’ve been working out, eh?”

He smiled and said, “Ya, I’ve been pumping a little iron.”

 I added how I had been working out, too; standing up to show the results.

My niece said, “You do look bigger, Uncle Jim.” 

THEN PAUSE. She was looking somewhere in my midriff region.

 “I mean, you have more muscle, too!” she added, with her face turning beet red.

In conclusion, I do feel a whole lot better. I have more energy and fewer aches and pains. I’m losing inches, if not losing pounds. (I can hardly keep my pants up with the belt in the last notch) And, I will stick to this BOOTCAMP regimen.  By Christmas, I expect to be chiseled and svelte.  

Jack Lalanne, move over!!!!! This Senior's gonna be buff!

My apologies to you, because the before and after pictures are currently under construction. Check back here every now and then. I’ll have them up in no time.

Hi! Ho!

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