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January 10, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

New research says lead was behind a majority of violent crime, lower IQs and ADHD in the 1960s through 1980s. "Sorry," said everyone to hippies.

For the first time since 1996, no players will be elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds responded to the news by wrestling a clock tower.

In Saudi Arabia, a court ended a marriage between a 15-year-old girl and a 90-year-old man. Said the court, "No one should have to be forced to marry someone so old. We apologize, sir."

India is accusing Pakistan of killing two soldiers along their shared border. It's just like that episode of "I Love Lucy" where they draw a line down their house and Lucy is accused of beheading a soldier.

President Obama will nominate Chief of Staff Jack Lew to be the new Treasury secretary. Lew took the opportunity to call out all his teachers who said he'd eventually have to learn to write his own name.

In New York, an East River ferry crash resulted in at least 50 people being injured Wednesday morning. However, the NYPD responded promptly by shooting the ferry along with 12 civilians.

Later that day in New York, the Fire Department reported a crane collapse in Queens. Queens: So depressing, even cranes can't take it.

A new weight-loss device offers to drain up to 30 percent of your meal through a tube coming out of your stomach. For people needing additional help managing their diets, the tube can be connected to their mothers because they are clearly infants.

The makers of Monopoly plan to retire one of the board game's pieces depending on the results of a poll. Because the poll is online, expect the piece that is least kitten-like.

Beyoncé and Kelly Clarkson will perform at Obama's inauguration later this month. "Finally, other women to talk to," said the only three women in Obama's cabinet.

A new study says drinkers of diet soda are 31 percent more likely to be depressed, compared with 22 percent for regular soft drinks. Scientists admit much of the depression may actually stem from the realization that Surge will never come back.

The Centers for Disease Control report that binge drinking among teenage girls is increasing. The CDC admits much of the binge drinking may stem from a lack of Surge.

The U.S. claims Iranian hackers are behind recent cyberattacks on banks. Because no one else with computer access would have a grudge against major U.S. banks.