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April 22, 2015
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New BMW Has Remote Control Parking, Many Annoying Driving Things Left To Eliminate

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Parallel parking, WOOF right? Well, the new BMW 7 Series will turn that “WOOF” into a “Oh cool, I don’t have to do it no more!”

BMW has announced that it’s new 7 Series will be the first car that can be parked from outside the car by using a remote control key fob. Other new features of this futuristic, fancy pants space-car (7 Series does not fly in space) include voice command, touch screen display, and the brand new gesture command where you flick and swipe and whatever else to control car functions. Take a look:

Damn. With a remote control parking function, it’s like you’re telling inconvenience to go fuck itself, all with the push of a button.

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This ain’t your mama’s gesture command


With the new remote parking capabilities of the 7 Series, BMW is slowly eliminating annoying things about driving one by one. I found their plans for the next 10 features that future 7 Series’ will be including to get rid of other driving annoyances.


Other Driving Annoyances To Get Rid Of

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1. TRAFFIC
“Honk honk! Get out of the way you lunatic! ”

Traffic will no longer be a problem with the 2017 7 Series’ new hole digging capabilities. An industrial-sized jack hammer is located on the front bumper and all you need is a 7x7 ft. space to start drilling your way to your destination instead of sitting in traffic and inhaling all of these other suckers’ exhaust. This will destroy all roads, but roads were where traffic mainly accumulates anyway!

2. GETTING CUT OFF
“GODDAMMIT YOU’RE GONNA KILL SOMEONE”

The 2019 7 Series will sport an extending bumper. Once you see someone about to cut you off in tight traffic, simply extend your bumper up to 15 feet, let the culprit run into it, then motion for him/her to pull over, exchange insurance information, have a quick passive aggressive discussion about whose fault it was, wait 45 minutes for the police to come, go to your mechanic, go to court, file paperwork, and just like that, you didn’t get cut off!

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3. BUGS ON THE WINDSHIELD
“Crap! Honey, hand me a tissue, gotta wipe this big boy off”

No, they aren’t life threatening but they’re definitely annoying. The 2018 7 Series plans to fix that by including a big can of Raid in the glove compartment of every new car. Just spray the car down every morning, top to bottom, then take a quick shower so you don’t smell like bug spray all day at work, and then you’re good to go, insect will be a problem of the past!

4. CHILD SAFETY LOCK ACCIDENTALLY BEING ON
“I don’t know how to turn it off, dear, I don’t know how it got turned on in the first place!”

Child safety locks are annoying, confusing, and do absolutely nothing for anyone. The 2020 7 Series will not have a child lock.

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5. FINDING A PARKING SPOT
“You leaving? What? No? Ok…”

Sure the new 7 Series can parallel park for you in tight spots, but half the battle is finding the tight spot to begin with. You will be able to park the 2021 7 Series wherever you want, because it will be disposable. One drive cars where once you reach your destination, you just get out, take off the tape that holds it together, fold it like a standard cardboard box, and chuck it in the trash. No fuss, no muss. (You can recycle it too, like, if its Earth Day or something).

6. HITTING DEER
“Fuck, did you see that? It just ruined my car then bounded away!”

It sucks to hit a deer, they not only jump out of nowhere and destroy your cars, but they often get up and run away like nothing ever happened, taunting you with their bright white tails dancing into the dark woods. The 2022 7 Series fixes that problem by mounting a big shotgun onto your window. You won’t be able to shoot the deer before you hit it, but you can shoot it in the back as it runs away. If you’re gonna have to get your car fixed you might as well get a couple dozen pounds of deer jerky out of it too.

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7. BEING LOST ON A DARK SPOOKY ROAD
“AAHHH! What was that?!”

The 2023 7 Series will be blessed by a Virgin Witch who will keep clear ghosts and other spooky spirits on those long drives on 2 lane highways through rural Arkansas.

8. FALLING ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
“Almost there, almost there, aaaalllmmmmoossss….zzzzzzz”

Coffeemaker inside the car. Duh. This was a no-brainer for the 2024 7 Series.

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9. A GROUP OF MOTORCYCLISTS WHO ARE NOT WEARING HELMETS DOING WHEELIES AND BEING GENERALLY UNSAFE AND INTIMIDATING AROUND YOU
“Ah great, now look at these guys…”

Makers of the 2025 7 Series know that when this happens, all you can picture is one of them losing balance and crashing to the street and, unable to steer clear, you run over one of their heads accidentally. That’s why this 7 Series comes with a little pamphlet of propaganda describing scientific evidence that proves people who drive motorcycles do not feel pain. So you should not fear hitting them.

10. HAVING TO DRIVE IN A CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE
“Ugh, driving is so stupid”

You’d think we would have evolved past having to drive big fat fuel guzzling cars by now but Republicans keep making them necessary. Until now! The 2026 7 Series drives itself so you can just stay home and take it easy for once in your life.

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