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July 06, 2011

Driving to work this morning, at the intersection of Powerline Road and Commercial Boulevard I passed a homeless man wearing a vest with ads on it.

An accident referral service was clever enough to figure out that instead of buying a billboard at a busy intersection, they could slap one of their vests on this homeless guy for a fraction of the price! This has given me thoughts on a variety of ways to effectively use vagrants. Here comes privatization!

Some of them even have hidden talents. Like Pokemon!

1. Solar Power. Mini hobo power plants! Slap a solar powered tile onto them as they blister in the heat. Sure one isn’t enough but if we pool together the collected efforts of all the homeless in the tri-county area, we could have enough juice to power our juice makers!

2. Guard Dogs. Why raise a bunch of dobermans, german shephards, and rottweilers that will only live 3-5 years in guard duty, when you can get a strapping mentally unstable man off of any street corner! And he’ll last you at LEAST 6 years. 8 if you treat him right.

3. Picnic blanket weights. The National Park Service needs to fast track this one. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to eat your chicken marsala and the blasted wind keeps flipping up your flaps. Paying a hobo to be a picnic blanket weight solves the problem. AND the hobo gets to sleep. So win, win, win.

4. Ad Barkers. Remember that scene in Minority Report where the ads are talking directly to Tom Cruise? That’s off, in the future. We can embrace the future today by paying the homeless to scream personalized ads AT YOU! Granted, you’ll probably be called Jesus a lot, but after some refinements, we could make this work.

5. Food.

That’s five uses right there! How many other things have five inherent and varied uses, other than the Swiss Army Knife? None. There you have it folks. The homeless, The Swiss army knives of people.

The preceding is a satire. Classy Erhard cares very deeply about the homeless problem in Broward County, Florida, and the world.