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February 13, 2012

Nothing is permanent, except your Facebook wall. Here are some simple rules to follow in the event of my death.

When I die, please don't write on my Facebook wall. I won’t be checking Facebook in Heaven, and if I'm in Hell, I’ll be on MySpace.

Seriously, I can’t screen your posts if I'm dead and let’s face it, some of you have questionable judgement.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure most of you would do a great job memorializing me for all eternity on a trendy, web-based, social message board but some of you can't be trusted.

If you play Farmville or post semi-racist, conservative political cartoons or "like" pictures of kittens saying "LOL", I'm talking to you. If you’re the person who friended my mom and posted a glitter graphic of a marijuana leaf on her wall, I'm also talking to you. Or if you use an anime character as your profile pic, I'm definitely talking to you. While Facebook security allows me to block you, I enjoy how crazy you are and can't bring myself to remove you from my news feed, my wall or my life.

With all that said, if you insist on leaving your final goodbyes to me on Facebook, the same place I share Groupon deals and post pictures of my dog dressed as a bumblebee, as my last request, please follow these simple guidelines:

  1. If we weren't friends in real life, please don't jump on the "I knew the dead girl" bandwagon. If we met once and I accepted your friend request out of awkward obligation, it's okay to skip condolences. I won't be hurt. If you are on the periphery of my friend circle, please don't consider my death your "in". Buying my friends beers will gain you as much ground as posting how much you liked me and wished you could have known me better. If we were frienemies who pretended to like each other but talked incessantly behind each other's backs, go ahead and post on my wall. I know you will anyway. Bitch.
  2. Please don’t post quotes on my wall like "I hope you'll dance" or "Dance like nobody is watching" or "The rhythm is going to get you"...or really anything about dancing.
  3. As tempting as it may be, please don't post a link to the YouTube video of "It's so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday"by Boyz II Men.
  4. If the manner of my death is not clear, please don't try to figure out what happened in a series of posts on my page. I'm dead, it's worth a phone call to someone. If you don't know who to call, see rule # 1 "Don't jump on the 'I knew the dead girl' bandwagon".
  5. If you are the first to alert the Facebook community of my passing, please don't be ambiguous about who died or the circumstances of my passing. This is considered aiding and abetting the breaking of rule #4.
  6. Please don't make my photo your profile picture. I'm particular about how I'm cropped.
  7. We all know I didn't "inspire a thousand smiles" while I was alive, so please don't feel the need to embellish on my Facebook wall after I've passed. If you have something nice to say, tell me now. I could use the ego boost. Fag is my best friend and all his compliments are backhanded.
  8. I know some of you believe in a higher power, but I want you to know that if I die I'm not controlling the shuffle on your ipod or making songs play on the radio. That happened by coincidence so there is no need to contact me through the cosmic medium of Facebook. If anything, I'll be busy being a guardian angel to a little orphan boy, dancing or haunting my old high school theater.