Full Credits

Written by Louise. Louise is our resident global expert, posted in Scotland. She is a pop culture writer with a television addiction verging on deadly. She loves Hannibal, Vikings, and is in an on-off love affair with American Horror Story.

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March 05, 2015
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At TelePlayTime.com, a new site poking fun at serious TV through the creation of mini episode scripts!

FADE IN:

INT. Barn, INTERIOR: ANDREW LINCOLN, CHANDLER RIGGS, NORMAN REEDUS and DANAI GURIRA sit in silence. MELISSA MCBRIDE is visible in the foreground, repeatedly and ominously digging a sharp rock into the earth. LAUREN COHAN enters, followed by SONEQUA MARTIN-GREEN and ROSS MARQUAND.

LAUREN COHAN
Hey, we found this dude wandering about after the storm and he said he had good news, so we decided to bring him here.

[everyone stares incredulously]

LAUREN COHAN
I know, I know, but we took all his weapons, and he’s definitely by himself, so-

[ANDREW LINCOLN drop-kicks BABY JUDITH directly at CHANDLER RIGGS, steps forward]

ANDREW LINCOLN
Go on.

ANDREW MARQUAND
Look, I know it might seem suspicious that I know so much about you and have stalked you down to this point only to invite you to come away with me, but-

DANAI GURIRA
You know, I think he’s right. We should go with him!

ANDREW LINCOLN
Shut up, DANAI GURIRA. [To ANDREW MARQUAND] Shut up, whoever you are. I need time to think.[strokes beard with one hand, brutally punches ANDREW MARQUAND to the ground with the other]

DANAI GURIRA
ANDREW LINCOLN, I think we should really consider this. Look at these pictures: solid steel. Finally, somewhere truly safe for you to raise your children, and for us to become part of a community aga-

NORMAN REEDUS
And this barn smells like shit.

ANDREW LINCOLN
You know, NORMAN REEDUS, you’re right. We need to get out of here for good. Hand me that baby, CHANDLER RIGGS- we’ve got a sanctuary to find!

[music swells, everyone gathers round the door, excited]

LAUREN COHAN
We’ll probably have to wait til this guy wakes up though.

ANDREW LINCOLN
Yeah, I mean, what’s the rush? I should just probably kick him a bit too.

INT. [ANDREW LINCOLN holds BABY JUDITH while ANDREW MARQUAND, bound to a post, sits in the background]

ANDREW LINCOLN
So how long you lot been following us?

ANDREW MARQUAND
Long enough to see that you’d be good members of our group. Long enough to see your potentially deadly disregard for a bunch of zombies-(coughs, embarrassed)- roamers on your trail. Long enough to see that you’re survivors. Apart from LAWRENCE GILLIARD JR. And CHAD L. COLEMAN. And EMILY KINNEY. And JON BERNTHAL. And SARAH WAYNE CALLIES. And EMMA BELL. And JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE. And MICHAEL ROOKER. And MADISON LINTZ. And let’s see – oh, IRONE SINGLETON! Remember IRONE SINGLETON?

[ANDREW LINCOLN stares blankly]

ANDREW MARQUAND
Never mind. Will you come with us or-

[ANDREW LINCOLN jams a spoonful of applesauce into ANDREW MARQUAND’s face, choking him]

ANDREW MARQUAND
What the hell are you doing? It’s like you’re trying to abuse and frighten me enough that I won’t want your group in my community and you can stay leader of everyth-

ANDREW LINCOLN
NOW YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. Just because we’re decent people doesn’t mean we won’t KILL YOU.

ANDREW MARQUAND
Actually, that’s exactly what that me-

ANDREW LINCOLN
You are fairly trying my patience, boy, now take us to your settlement ‘fore I set MELISSA MCBRIDE on you!

[camera pans to MELISSA MCBRIDE in shadows, somehow having acquired Jaws-style metal teeth]

ANDREW MARQUAND
Okay, okay, let me point some of your people in the right direction. Who’s been the best at successfully carrying out vital missions in the past?

Cut to MICHAEL CUDILTZ, DANAI GURIRA, STEVEN YEUN, CHRISTIAN SERRATOS, and LAUREN COHAN walking along a dusty road.

DANAI GURIRA…so maybe we ARE good people. I mean, we saved the useless vicar, we saved the lovable lesbian…we saved a crazy lady with a sword…

STEVEN YEUN
MELISSA MCBRIDE doesn’t have a sword. Anyway, I think we should be scared of these people. They saw everything that happened to us, and they never tried to intervene? Never stopped to help? Never offered ANDREW LINCOLN a straight shave? There’s something up with them, and I don’t trust them. Not one bit.

MICHAEL CUDILTZ
Shh, zombies!

STEVEN YEUN
Don’t you mean Walkers?

MICHAEL CUDILTZ
I mean what I mean, son.

[MICHAEL CUDILTZ and CHRISTIAN SERRATOS murder a thousand zombies in painful close-up while Accidentally in Love plays]

DANAI GURIRA
All I’m saying is that if he wanted to hurt us, he would have by now. There’s no way that this group lured five of our most formidable warriors out into the middle of nowhere just to leave the rest of the group, including children, even more vulnerable to attack. THAT WOULD BE A RIDICULOUS THING TO THINK.

STEVEN YEUN
Shut up, DANAI GURIRA. We should get back anyway, I think enough time has passed that it will seem like we’ve done something important even though we haven’t really.

Cut to DANAI GURIRA, STEVEN YEUN, ANDREW LINCOLN and ANDREW MARQUAND in a car together, at night.

DANAI GURIRA
I’m glad we decided to go to the settlement in the end, but I don’t understand why we had to take the backroads that are still filled with walkers. I know ANDREW LINCOLN hasn’t killed many in a while, but-

ANDREW LINCOLN
[singing softly to himself, loading guns and sharpening a spear with a machete clamped between his teeth]Walkers, walkers, walk-ers! Walkers, walkers, walk-ers! Walkers, walkers, walk-

[The car suddenly smashes into about ten walkers, right, and it was so cool and suddenly watching this entire half-season was worth it for a second and oh my god the entire episode’s gore budget on one shot.]

DANAI GURIRA
Okay, this is fine. We just stay in the car til the walkers dissipate a bit then we clean the windshield and go on our w-

[STEVEN YEUN and ANDREW LINCOLN kick their way out of the car, cheering and screaming excitedly]

DANAI GURIRA
[getting out of the car]Oh, for fu-

[DANAI GURIRA is knocked over when ANDREW MARQUAND opens his car door. Seriously, they make this too easy]

Cut to the group in a truck, driving towards the sanctuary

ANDREW LINCOLN
That was a close one!

DANAI GURIRA
If we’d just gone the right way, none of this would have happened and we would have arrived hours ag-

STEVEN YEUN
You’re right, ANDREW LINCOLN- it was a great plan! By the way, do you notice anything …different about Aaron and that close male friend of his?

NORMAN REEDUS
Yeah, it seems like we’ve never really met anyone like that before. Seems like something I might have tangentially been interested in, but ended up being something else entirely for reasons outside my control.

STEVEN YEUN
That’s it. It just seems odd we wouldn’t have encountered anyone like that at any point in the last few months. Oh wait, the truck’s broken down. Oh wait, no, it’s fine – as you were!

MICHAEL CUDLITZ
What?

ANDREW LINCOLN
Shut up, MICHAEL CUDLITZ! We’re here!

DANAI GURIRA
I feel like….I feel like it’s my turn for a monologue now….

ANDREW MONOLINCOLN
Nah, it’s cool, MELISSA MCBRIDE just told me that even though I’m wrong I’m still right so we’re all dandy!

DANAI GURIRA
But I never get to-

ANDREW LINCOLN
[fondly]Shut up, DANAI GURIRA.

[the group walk towards the entrance to the sanctuary]

FADE OUT

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